Perfectly Imperfect
by SpiffyCaptainJ
Summary: When Sasuke's perfect world collapses around him, it's all he can do to remain breathing. Add in an Orochimaru with questionable motives, a Sakura who can't help but make things more complicated, and a room-mate named Naruto who just wants to make everything okay again, while trying to deal with his own demons. -Sasunarusasu- Will have lemons and limes. Drug use, self-harm.
1. Chapter 1

AN: This is my second FF. So,..here we go again. I promise to get back to work on my other as soon as my computer gets working for now, i need to get this story out of my head.

[thanks to Myfailsafe and Carpe0ominious for inspiring me again.]

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. :]

Warnings:uhh...its M. SOOO, its going to have lemons and limes at some point. Self harm, drugs, foul language, violence,..i dunno. generally some angsty type stuff. This is a Yaoi, so Sasuke and Naruto will be together at some point as a gay couple.

Perfectly Imperfect.

Chapter 1.

"I can't see going on.

I can't see I'm so tired, of trying to mend the wounds of all my suffering.  
What do I do now?  
All I'm asking from you please,  
Send me a sign To guide me through the times that lie in front of me.  
I'll get by myself"-Mudvayne

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Sasuke.

Sasuke Uchiha.

A perfect example of a male figure. Strong, tall, beautiful, intelligent. The list goes on.

Driven to succeed by the pressures of home. Determined to outshine his brother in one of the most severe cases of sibling rivalry in modern history. Perfectionist, minimalist. Black hair carefully coaxed into place each morning, teeth brushed for 60 seconds every morning and evening. Brown eyes so dark that the pupil and iris seemed to blend; only adding to the mystery and allure seen by many of the females of the human race [and a few of the males, though they wouldn't admit to it].

His home life was nothing short of dismal. More money than he needed, though he did not take it for granted. It was all he had.

His Mother and Father were so wrapped up in their money and thirst for power that the only time they noticed anything or anyone not work related, it was Itachi. The first born. The Prodigy. The one who would take over the buisness' and their many Estates when Mother and Father retired.

unless of course, Sasuke proved he was better than his brother.

Soon.

So here he was, at one of the finer Universities, doing just that.

He had straight A's. Top of his classes, grade, and if he continued at this rate, he would graduate top of the school. Valedictorian.

Perfection.

Life was as it should be.

He had a steady girlfriend by the name of Sakura. She had all the credentials he needed in a woman. She was strong, had ambition, intelligent conversation, and she was attractive.

His Mother and Father approved.

Love was not a factor for him. All that mattered was the drive to outshine Itachi.

Itachi had no such woman at his side.

Sasuke was one up on Itachi.

As a matter of fact, the only imperfect thing about Sasuke's life, was his dorm mate.

He shared a student apartment with a clutzy messy young man by the name of Naruto.

They carried a bit of a rivalry between them, and though he would not admit it; Sasuke loved the imperfection of his room mate. The opposite of what he had made himself, and though he would not admit it, Naruto had quickly become his closest friend.

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The brass colored dorm key slid into the lock smoothly, the slience of the carpeted hallway making the tiny click of the lock unlatching audible. I quickly pulled the key from the door and walked in to the relative [and surprising] silence of my apartment. I glanced at my watch, a silver rolex with a reflective crimson face, to check the time. The digital display below the hands reading 12:30am. "hn", I mused aloud. Usually Naruto was in the living area playing video games about now.

I glanced to my left at the small white kitchen. The fridge sat next to the door i had just come through, making it impossible to open the door all the way, a stove next to that with the microwave attached above it. A small counter space next to the stove and across from the stove was the sink. Small amounts of counter on either side, a dishwasher embedded next to the sink, and a raised island type counter space attached a few inches up from the sink, making it perfectly stool height.

I placed my keys on the adhesive backed plastic hooks Naruto had attached to the side of the fridge for just this purpose. There were three in a not quite straight line [yes this fact bothered me, though i hadn't brought myself to fix it yet], one for my keys, one for his, and one for a guest.

The usual bricka-brack was on the kitchen counters. Green cloth wadded up in the sink;[ I inwardly groaned, and wrung it out to lay over the sink divider.] Ramen wrapper left on the counter, dirty pots still sitting on the stove, dishwasher full of clean dishes.

"Damnit Naruto!", I said to myself, as I slid off my black dress shoes, placing them in the shoe rack next to the door. I ran a hand through my hair, effectively messing up what i had so meticulously put in place only a few hours ago.

I walked onto the white tile floor, the flat cool tiles feeling wonderful against my tired feet, and began the task of cleaning the kitchen.

I was halfway through with unloading the dishwasher when I noticed the note stuck to the fridge.

sasuke call me theres been a emergency i went to find u

naruto

I narrowed my eyes, not even bothering to let my mind wander over the many grammatical and punctuation mistakes of his letter.

why had he gone to find me? What could have possibly happened that couldn't wait until I came home from my date with Sakura? He actually wrote my name, not teme, or asshole, or any of the other abusive and aggravating nicknames he had adopted for me , I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket and walked from the kitchen through the living area to the right, and into my room. My phone had lost battery life while I was out. I charge it every evening, but I do not usually make it a habit to stay out so late, as a result, it died.

So, I plugged my phone to charge from my nightstand, and sat on my full sized bed. While I let my phone gather enough battery power to turn on I removed my red tie and black socks, placing them in my dirty clothes hamper. I began to remove the crisp white dress shirt and black slacks when i heard the front door open. My fingers on the fourth button, I halted and walked towards the living area.

"SASUKE! ARE YOU HERE!?", Naruto called out before i had even taken half a step.

"In here", I said back. I saw no need to shout, it was silent in the apartment, the whole floor probably heard him. Loudmouth. I smirked at my own joke, but it died on my lips when i saw Naruto's face appear in my doorway.

His usual sunshine demeanor was gone. His face was void of its usual glow, his eyes were not their usual high-lighter blue either, instead they reminded me more of the ocean at night. A dark and troubled blue.

He was wearing his sleeping clothes. A white 'wife-beater' style undershirt, and black university sweatpants cut off mid calf. He didn't even have his shoes on.

This was probably going to be very bad news.

I mentally braced myself, not letting the fear or apprehension I was feeling show. Emotions never changed anything. My family had taught me that.

I watched his hand rake through his hair as he struggled with whatever he had to say.

"Naruto?", I said, trying to ease this silence and the twisting feeling of my gut.

A tear escaped his eye. "They are gone Sasuke."

"Who's gone?", I snapped, the amount of emotion twisting in my gut deciding that anger was the best outlet.

"Itachi...and y-our mom 'nd dad", He said, his voice cracking with the effort he was making not to cry.

"gone...where?" I responded stupidly. The back of my mind shouting the truth, while the rest of me tried to deny it.

There had been a buisness party tonight. Mother, Father and Itachi had been there. I had taken Sakura as my date, and been quite satisfied to see that Itachi was alone. Everything was fine. The normal tension, Mother and Father had been very impressed with Sakura, Mother had spoken with her for quite a time, Father had even nodded his approval before going to secure more buisness ties with the other men there.

Sakura and I had left early to go to dinner together.

"Car crash..", was Narutos choked reply. He watched me, as I soaked it in. I must have looked like a statue. I was in shock for a moment. I couldn't move. The horrible thought that Naruto could be joking crossed my mind for only a second; I didn't believe Naruto could be that cruel, and I let the idea slide away.

"dead?", I asked as if i were simply inquiring about the weather.

He nodded.

"They went off the bridge downtown. Some drunk hit them..I went to the scene thinking maybe someone had gotten ahold of you, and you were there. " His voce cracked as he spoke. Silent tears sliding down his face. Whether he upset about the scene of the accident, or simply crying out of pity, i didnt know.

"The police need you to identify them."

I sat on the bed, willing myself to understand what was being said. I closed my eyes and rubbed them with the heel of my hand, the pressure and slight pain making me feel a little calmer.

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At some point while I sat there, I simply went numb all over. I guess I finally grasped the fact that my parents and brother had died in a car crash while i was enjoying a house salad and filet mingon. I remember feeling the pressure of Naruto grabbing my arm to guide me out of my room. I remember a car ride, and the streak of lights on the wet passenger window.

I must have identified the bodies because their wet bodies were burned into my mind.

All of them in their nice dress clothing. Father and Mother in their Pinstriped suits. Mother's tailored to flatter her form, and Father's tailored to impress. Their faces pale, their lips had a blue tint to them. Their hair was wet and dripping. Mother's perfect face was scratched and bloody, her make up running. It looked as though Father's jaw was broken and he had a small smudge of lipstick on his chin.

Itachi's was the worst.

Even in death he was perfect. His hair had been tied back, and the wetness only made it stick in place more than usual. His plain white shirt and red tie had been a perfect match to my own. In fact, he looked so uninjured that i almost expected him to sit up and laugh at me for believeing him to be dead.

I remember nodding my affirmation and walking out. Naruto never leaving my side, it was oddly comforting.

I wasn't required to arrange a funeral, Mother, Father and Itachi had it clearly stated in their wills what was to be done. [Yes, we all had wills that we adjusted as we needed to through the years. As soon as I had come of age it had been a neccesity.]

Itachi had left every thing to Mother and Father, myself if something had happened to them. Mother and Father had left everything to Itachi, again defaulting to myself if anything shoulf happen to him.

I was an afterthought in both wills. That's how I saw it anyway.

When we arrived back at the apartment around 2am there had been newscrews outside the University wanting to speak with me. I was the young heir to the Uchiha billions, of course they wanted to speak with me. I had shoved past them. Naruto had talked at me about his day, a thousand innane things, beating video games, passing his chem test; all meant to distract me from the cold rock in my chest i supposed. I never really answered him. I didnt listen to half of it, and I dont think he really expected me to. I suppose in a small way I appreciated the gesture.

I didn't go to the funeral the next day. Naruto had come in several times to tell me that it was healthy to go, it gave you a chance to grieve, etc.. I just stared at him, my mind empty, until he left. I was still wearing my half unbuttoned shirt, pants and belt from last night. It was 5pm now. Sakura had come by. I had feigned sleep, and she had simply lay next to me and stroked my arm.

I wanted to be left alone.

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The next few days passed in a haze. I didn't go to class. I didn't go to work. I didn't eat, or move for that matter unless I was going to the restroom. People came and went, but i paid them no mind.

My mind was a whirlwind.

What do I do now? My whole life, my whole plan, has been wiped out from under me.

All I ever wanted was to surpass Itachi, Impress Mother and Father and gain the company.

Now...the company was mine..but i didnt want it.

I had all the Estates, all the money I could dream of obtaining..but I hadnt earned the right to it through Mother and Father, nor had I worked to achieve it.

My education has been up to this point, only a race to achieve a Masters Degree in Buisness before Itachi. I knew more about buisness than any of the idiotic professors, but it was the degree that I wanted. The piece of paper to show I was more intelligent than Itachi.

Now that was a waste as well.

I had no drive...no motivation anymore.

nothing mattered.

As the fog in my head began to clear, I looked over at the clock. 4am. I felt nothing about the time. I didnt care if it was 4 in the morning or evening. I had simply looked as a means of changing my scenery. I would probably never forget the small cracks and bumps in the ceiling above my bed.

The small calendar on my night stand still said it was Friday.

I picked up my phone, still on its charger, and long since charged, and 'dismissed' all the missed calls and texts and voicemails in order to see the day. It was Tuesday morning. There was a plate of food on my desk. I didnt remember it being brought in.

A bottle of water. A B.L.T. cut in triangles and held together with toothpicks in the middle of each, and a zebra cake.

At the sight of food, I sat up and stared. My stomach gave an almighty roar. I grabbed the water and drank it all before making my way into my adjoining bathroom. I turned the water on hot, and stepped in fully clothed, closing the stall door behind me.

The shock of the cold water was quickly replaced by the pain of the hot.

I wondered if the water had been cold or warm when they drowned.

If they drowned.

Maybe the impact killed them.

I sat against the wall of the shower, the spray barely grazing my bare feet.

I held an arm to my chest, as if trying to hold in the pain. The feel of my clothes sticking to me,I found myself wishing that I had been in that car.

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AN: Yea, its a bit short, but thats what i wrote. Review, let me know if you liked it. If some people are interested I'll continue it. Maybe I'll continue it anyway, just to get the plot bunny outta my head.

yay!

-Jiz 


	2. Chapter 2

Freshly edited, and re-posted. Yay.

Disclaimers & Warnings-please refer to chapter one.

Dedications: The angsty SOB's of the world for inspiring me. & 'myfailsafe'.  
[Her ff's are amazing. If i dont write for a while, blame her, i get wrapped up in her stories!]

* * *

Perfectly Imperfect

Chapter 2.

'we wear the mask that grins and lies,  
it hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,  
this debt we pay to human guile,  
with torn and bleeding hearts we smile.'-Edgar A. Poe

* * *

I opened my eyes in a slow sleepy progression. Slowly blinking one and then the other, allowing my eyes to take  
in the darkness of the living room. I picked my face up off of the pillow, noticing the cold, wet sensation on my face  
and pillow, i had been drooling.

"yuck.." I murmered as I brought myself to a sitting position, throwing the blankets off of me in the process.

I cast a bleary eye to the little green numbers on the microwave across the room.  
It was a little after 4 in the morning, not afternoon, I was assuming since I was tired and it was dark. My throat felt dry..probably from the drooling..  
I walked to the kitchen and pulled a bottle of water from the fridge. [yes i drank water, like a normal person.  
though the Teme--thats Sasuke-- would have you believe i drank Ramen broth..or something equally stupid]. I rolled my eyes at my own thoughts.  
After the cool water re-moistened my throat, I felt a bit better, more human, and definately more awake.  
I approached the TV for some Video Game Sleep Thereapy, when I realized I hadnt checked on the Teme  
since I put the food in his room.

It was weird.

Usually we fought a bit, I annoyed him, he fussed over things being clean, we fought some more, we might exchange a few words of everyday chat and plans for the next day, then we parted ways until morning when the cycle started over, or sooner if i screamed too loudly at the t.v. in the middle of the night.  
We had a really casual ..er... friendship..if you would even call us friends. It was hard to tell withthe Teme. Though, now that i thought about it I could swear his glares weren't quite so hate-filled in the past few weeks.

I paused, placing the water bottle on the coffee table.  
It's weird,.. over the last few days..I've been at a loss for what to do.

I bring him food that he never eats..he wont move..doesnt change his clothes..doesnt care.  
I mean..and I know this sounds bad,..but..I didnt think he cared so much about his family.  
They never spoke. They were all uptight..the first time i ever saw his parents...they were dead..  
I flinched as the memory of their car being pulled up, their bodies being extracted flashed before my eyes.  
I knew it would be hard for him, I felt horrible telling him the news. I mean, it was his parents! I knew there had to  
be some kind of emotion there. I just wasn't expecting 'this'.  
Even his girlfriend, and good friend to me, Sakura, agreed that  
he didn't show alot emotion aside from the smirk, a nod here and there, maybe an unintentional laugh and that quick temper of his.. He was good at being a Teme..hence the nickname.

I don't understand what she see's in him.

I sighed.

I crossed the room to Sasuke's door and quietly pushed it open  
I honestly expected the same unmoving statue of Sasuke on the bed, uneaten food on the desk.

Instead I found no Sasuke, a M.I.A. bottle of water, and the bathroom door was open next to me.  
Relief swept through me, maybe he was snapping out of it. As I turned to leave I noticed how hott it was in the bathroom, it was starting to fog up the bedroom.  
"Sasuke?", I called into the fog, swatting it away as I felt it attempt to steal my breath."Gah! Dude..are you in here? How can you breathe?"  
No answer.  
I felt like I had two left feet as I made my way into Sasuke's bathroom. I had never been into his bathroom before, and Sasuke wasn't the most inviting person. I expected to be punched or kicked from the depths of the steam, or called a 'dobe' or a 'loser' or a 'perverted prick' ..something.  
I wasnt getting any kind of answer..was he just ignoring me?

I made my slow way to the shower stall door, making sure to step loudly and I even coughed once just to try and catch his attengion, squinting my eyes all the while so as not to see him naked through the glass shower doors.. but the shower water hitting the stall floor was continuous, not interupted as if he were standing under the spray. The glass was fogged up so I couldnt see in [not that I really wanted too, but the shower running and dead silence thing was giving me that horror movie vibe].

Inwardly cursing myself and 'biting the bullet' as they say, whoever they are, I swung open the shower door.

The metal handle was hot to touch, and the magnets release of the door sent all matter of steamy fog into my already sweaty face. I reached in, not immediately seeing Sasuke for all the steam, and scalded myself while blindly feeling for the nozzle to  
turn off the assaulting spray. "Sasuke?" I coughed as the water finally stopped, it was almost too damn hot in here to think!

And there he was in the clearing steam.

Still in his clothes...  
His black-blue hair dripping and plastered to his face and forehead, his white shirt now  
mostly see-through and acting as a second skin.  
He had one arm pressed to his chest, his face was flushed and his feet were almost lobster red, presumably from contact with the hot-as-hell water.

What the hell do i do? This is just..I dont know how to handle this. I vaugely wished for Sakura, or Ino, or hell even Gaara!

Was i supposed to help him get up?  
Was I supposed to make a joke?  
Force feed him?  
Ask the obvious 'how ya doing' line?  
I raised a hand to the back of my neck, an unintentional gesture of how uncomfortable I was, and just looked at him.  
He was looking back at me now. I couldn't remember if he'd been looking at me a few moments ago..we locked eyes for a moment.  
Blue vs. plain black..and empty. It was like he was looking through me...I was starting to feel slightly unnerved.

No smirk on his face, no passive mask...no nothing at all. Just blank. Not even the usual 'blank' of Sasuke.  
Unsure of my next move, I just decided to wing it, and duck if he decided to punch me.

I stepped into the stall and grabbed his very wet, very warm arm, away from his chest,and pulled.  
He didn't even seem to notice me.  
"aww come on jackass..", I grumbled aloud.  
He seemed to really notice I was there now, and let me help him to stand, then he brushed my hand away and looked at me as he had just found me  
on the shower floor, soaking wet, acting brain-dead.  
Then he pushed past me, leaving me half slipping, half stepping backwards out of the stall and into his very neat bathroom.

At least that was typical.

I hadn't looked at his bathroom properly before, it had been too steamy to notice anything other than vauge outlines of stuff.  
Now that the shower was off, the air was clearing, so I took a look at my surroundings.  
In front of me was the shower. Plain aluminum or metal or whatever it was frame, with distorted looking like glass,  
I guess so people couldnt see right through to you, just the typical standing shower stall type thing.  
Though in Sasukes stall there was a hanging metal shampoo rack draped over the sprayer  
holding some shampoos an 'axe' brand loofa thing, and bodywash, whereas in mine there was shampoo bottles on the floor and a washcloth probably balled up in one of the corners; I turned around.  
There was a toilet next to the shower, a bathroom counter along the wall left of me with a  
sink and opening mirror/medicine cabinet type thing in the wall above the sink, and a small closet across from me next to the exit.

It was set up the same as my bathroom, though Sasuke's style and cleanliness was waaay different.  
He had a nice toothbrush holder in silver that matched the towel rod and soap trays and all the other little things that i didnt understand a need for, blue shower mat [which stopped me from slipping by the way] and matching toilet mat.

Everything was organized. Even his towels were all blue, with a hand towel and face cloth draped neatly over the towel bar.

Sasuke had grabbed one of those nice fluffy towels out of the closet, and was now in his room, attempting to pat himself dry through his clothing.

I walked out of his bathroom, through his room and lounged against the doorframe leading to the livingroom.  
I watched him for a moment, still vaugely weirded out by his display a moment ago. At least he was moving, and apparently drinking water.  
"Fancied turning your bathroom into a sauna?" I asked casually, trying to ease back into my comfort zone of taunting the Teme, while trying to understand how he was feeling, and possibly figure out his frame of mind. It wasn't like he was going to tell me anything, I dont care how weird he acts, hell would have to freeze over and Satan himself become an olympic figure skater before the prick in front of me would ever open up to anyone.

My mother had passed a year ago, and my father only 6 months ago. My brother, Gaara, and I had been anything but depressed about it though. We had played the role of grieving well, but now I realized just how lacking our charade had been. I had no earthly idea the kind of emotions Sasuke was experiencing.

* * *

I don't know what changed in the moment that Naruto found me in my shower, but something did.  
I was laying there like a broken watch. Immomible, totally lost track of everything that usually kept  
me organized..I was pathetic.  
I pulled my face into its usual stoicism, and pushed passed the confused baffoon in my shower.  
I struggled to remember that I was an Uchiha, Uchihas were supposed to be proud,  
strong, immovable as a mountain, and I used all the thoughts of what I was supposed to be  
to hold my act together.

If my parents could see me from beyond the grave, they would be disgusted with me.  
Itachi would mock me.  
I was the failure they always thought I would be.  
I stared at the floor, attempting to glare a hole into the carpet for the mess I had made of myself, while simultaneously  
keeping my hands busy patting the water from myself.

"Fancied turning your bathroom into a sauna?", called Naruto's voice from somewhere to my left.  
I looked up. His face was normal, tan, filled with humor, glistening a bit from the humidity of my bathroom, but  
his eyes were still that eerie dark blue that I was unaccustomed to.

"dobe", I replied as if this were any other day that he was standing in my doorway aggrivating the shit out of me.  
I heard a whoosh of air as he sighed,..either that or he had been holding his breath for some reason.  
His face split into its usual easy going grin, "you gunna be okay now?...I mean..not that its not been cool having the apartment  
to myself..but..you playing vegetable wasn't exactly entertaining."

Leave it to Naruto to make light of any [and every] situation.  
"hn", I replied completely uninterested in continuing any conversation.

I turned away from him and began to finally take off my now icy cold shirt.  
I heard the click of the door behind me, and possibly a murmuring of 'teme', as Naruto left to give me privacy to change.  
I sighed in relief and began to strip off the wet clothes and dried off with the towel. I went through my usual bedtime routine of brushing my teeth, brushing my hair out and applying some conditioning spray. I slid on my pajama pants without bothering to put on any boxers, it seemed pointless to wear them to bed, and sat on my bed, grabbing a notebook from my desk in the process.

I generally cataloged my day in the notebook. Wrote away any stresses or worries. Maybe drew a few things.  
I considered myself a fairly decent artist. I drew people mostly, sometimes realistically other times i simply drew the bodies and left out the faces.  
It was one of the few passions I allowed myself, I had reasoned that it was important to have a creative outlet, a buisness man never  
knew when he would need to think 'out of the box' to maintain the company's status in the eyes of my family...my heart grew cold as i realized i wouldnt need to 'maintain status' for them ...it was just plain mine.. I hurriedly shoved the thoughts away.  
I didnt have the strenght to catalog the fact that I had lost my parents,brother, my drive, and all will to live..so I just drew.  
I dont know how many hours i lost myself to the simple release of drawing.

When I was done, it was light outside.  
The clock said it was 8am.  
I found that hard to believe, but i shrugged it off and stretched.  
My back popped several times leaving me feeling empty and satisfied.  
Sighing and feeling blood return to my legs and lower back, I looked down at my finished work.

It was an image of a man with blood on his hands, hunched over and maniacal, while his shadow stood proud and tall seemingly innocent.

I was fairly proud of this piece.

proud..the word seemed to trigger volumes of memories and emotions.  
I glanced around my room as I felt that alien tightness return to my heart, unconciously i raised my hand and gripped at my bare chest,  
as if hoping to ease the sensation.

They would be so ashamed to see me like this,  
they would mock me and hate me for it.

But I was alone.

They would never mock me agian.  
They would never see me succeed or fail.  
They were indifferent below the earths surface.

I had never really wanted the company or the money like I claimed I did, I just wanted them to love me the way they loved him.

Now I didn't even have him...I squeezed my eyes shut at the thoughts.  
I crossed my arms over my stomach and leaned forward on my bed.  
My forehead resting against the comforter, my body in the fetal position..I felt so empty and lost.  
Uchiha's werent supposed to be weak.

The thought made me feel worse.  
I fought the nausea that battled the almosy bruising pressure of my arms against my stomach.  
I didn't have any classes today, Naruto was at work.  
What was the point of continuing this meager existance?  
I was all alone.  
I would forever be all alone.  
I was fucked up, I knew that.  
I held onto the 'Uchiha' standards and cliche so much that I didnt even know who I was in all this mess.I didn't know how to feel.  
I had created my life around drive and ambition.  
This emotional turmoil was new and overwhelming.  
I couldn't grasp at reality.  
I felt like i was spinning and the only thing keeping me from flying into the distance was the cold  
hard rock that had taken residence in my chest.  
I dont want this...I dont want to live like this.  
Im weak, I know that now..I can't do this.  
I am less than nothing...  
I can't...I can't...  
A sob riped its way out of my aching throat.  
I felt slightly sick as I contemplated something I hadn't thought of since I was 13.

Suicide.

Back then, I hadn't understood the dynamics of my family very well.  
When I was young, I thought all families were like mine.  
I thought it was normal to be ignored when you were the younger,  
I had always assumed that the maturity level between adults  
and children warranted such an ignorance.  
When I left the strict confinement of homeschooling in middle school,  
[so that i would not be 'socially retarded', as my Brother had put it],  
I found that other kids lives differed greatly from my own.

At first I couldn't understand it.

Then, I began to think it was some fault of my own.  
Some reason that my family did not hug me or nurture me.  
There had to be something wrong with me that I did not recieve their praise.  
As I drifted through the angsty pre-teen years,  
suicide had seemed a glamourus option.  
The dramatics of leaving a note to be found,  
to have people cry over you,  
to go out with a bang..  
The idea of death was fascinating.

That is, until my Father came into my room and found the note.  
I had only just finished it and laid it on my desk.  
I had a noose in my hand, intent on hanging myself in my closet.  
My Father had simply glanced at the letter on the desk, his original intention  
of entering my room forgotten, and looked at me.  
His hair perfectly combed and slicked back.  
His buisness suit still on from work, he looked every bit the impressive man he was.  
His eyes were cold and unfeeling when he looked at me,  
halfway to my closet,  
the noose in my fist.  
I must have looked the perfect picture of shock.

'I won't stop you. Weak men do not belong in this family.'

He then exited my room with the swift click of my door closing.  
His buisness shoes all but silent on the carpeted floors.  
The glamour of the idea died right then.  
I would not be missed.  
That reality had hit me hard, but being an Uchiha meant I had to be stubborn and strong-willed,  
I had to find another way to earn their affection.  
So had began the long process of academic success, sports success, clubs on top of clubs, until I didnt have  
a chance to see them in order to know if i was pleasing them anymore.

Now, here I was again, contemplating my death.

'Weak men do not belong in this family'  
It didn't seem glamourous to me anymore.  
'Weak men do not belong in this family'  
Just a way to end the nightmare I now found myself in.  
'Weak men do not belong in this family'  
My heart started beating faster as I stood from my bed, my head swam slightly, possibly from the excess blood suddenly being pumped double time through my tense and still body.

I couldn't stop my Father's words from circling my head, I was weak.  
I had already admitted it to myself.  
I did not belong in their family.  
I did not deserve their money or house.  
I did not deserve the buisness.  
I was weak, and I did not belong.  
What he had told me all those years ago finally clicked into place.  
I finally understood why I was not ever good enough for them.  
Why no matter how hard I tried, I was never acknowledged.  
My Mother and Father knew what I had been denying all this time.

I was weak.

My arms were still wrapped around myself as I tried to hold myself still.  
I didn't want to admit it, but I was shaking.  
Who would care? honestly?  
Who would truely miss me?--I answered my own question.

No one.

Sakura, she loved the idea of me.  
She loved the idea of melting me.  
She loved the idea of money and power.  
She thirsted for recognition in the same manner as I do--did.  
But it would never be enough.  
She didnt realize it yet, I knew that; but she would.  
We were nothing more than a pair of pretty faces and pretty minds.  
We were not in love, and I would never be able to give her the love that she deserved.  
I didn't know how.

He remorse for my death would be shollow and short lived.  
Of her lost future, none of it would be for me; the real me.  
She didn't know enough of me to be able to love me the way she claimed.  
I wasn't even sure I knew who I was, so how could anyone else?  
Naruto could have Kiba or Sakura move in, he could be happy and do as he pleased without his 'jackass' room-mate.

I lacked the ability to love.  
I had never cared before.  
Love was not needed to beat Itachi.  
Love was simply the ultimate goal.

I told myself over the years that all I wanted was to beat Itachi,  
really what I wanted was my families hearts.  
Even now I was not ending this life for loss of loved ones.  
I never recieved the love I craved.  
I was ending this, because I didn't have a life left to live.

At least this way my soul could start over.  
I could be born again and hopefully get it right in the next life.  
I could only hope to be so lucky.

I stood and looked around my room one last time.  
The neat little space I had called home for a while now.  
I thought briefly of leaving a note, but there was no one to leave it to.  
It would be read by police and filed away as evidence.  
that was all.

I paused for a moment contemplating how I should do it, immediatley my brain was assaulted by all the statistics I had ever read, and the probablility of being caught in time to be stopped. Pills could be pumped from my stomach, slit wrists and lost blood were difficult and messy, but i lived 6 stories up. A drop should do well.

I let loose a small sob, the ache in my throat and chest too much to hold in anymore.  
Not as though any one were around to hear it anyway, I slowly made my way out of my room, and across the beige carpeted living area.  
The small black couch still had Narutos blankets carelessly balled up across it.  
The wooden coffee table was strewn with coke cans and video games.  
I stepped easily over the cords leading to my flatscreen TV on the modestly sized entertainment center.  
Just ahead of me was the door to the balcony.

'you can do this, just a few more steps and it will all be over. no more pain.', I mentally assured myself.  
While my other half was wondering if it will hurt much.  
I remembered reading somewhere that people who jumped from buildings seldom ever died from impact.  
It was the fear that killed them.  
I wasn't really sure if that was comforting or not.

Another sob left me as I walked out the sliding glass door. I didnt bother to close it behind me. What was the point?

In the back of my mind I secretly hoped someone would rescue me or wake me from the nightmare, yet I knew I had no one who would.

The concrete was cold on my feet, the sensation barely registered as I began to go numb.  
I began to close myself down emotionally,like I had taught myself to do all these years.

The Mask.

The one thing that protected me when all else failed.  
I was subtly proud of the fact that it would help me now.  
It had become damn near second nature over the years,  
It was almost comforting to know that I had not lost that part of me.  
the 'Teme' side, as Naruto so delicately put it.

The sky was grey and there was a chill to the air.  
It seemed it might storm later in the day, as it was, it was simply cool and bleak.  
There was irony in that, I noted.

As I approached the metal railing of my balcony, the wind whipped harshly as if daring me to continue.  
It caused my body to erupt in gooseflesh though I physically felt no cold.  
I unwound my arms from my body, the numbness had taken over, and my chest didnt feel like falling apart anymore,  
nor did i feel like i swallowed a boulder.  
I felt oddly free as I held my arms out, letting the wind whip through me.  
I looked over the side, the 6 story drop was just a drop.  
I felt neigther frightened nor happy about the distance.  
It just was.  
I could see the front entrance and the students milling about in front of the building.

Their lives were so simple.  
They were loved and happy.  
They could smile freely without judgement.

I wanted that.  
I wanted to smile.  
I wanted that wonton happiness that seemed to evade me.

My life had only ever been about being the best and gaining Mother and Father's love.  
Hopfully Itachi's respect.  
I had never given myself an opportunity to truley live.  
I grasped the cold metal in my palm and stepped up onto the thin railing.  
I squated there for a moment, like a frog in my pajama pants and simply let the gravity of what i was doing hit me.  
My chest felt tight.  
It didnt neccesarily hurt, but it was thrumming with a vigor, as if trying to squeeze in a lifetimes worth of beats before the end.  
It left a kind of drumroll pounding in my ears; primal and urgent.

I felt oddly optimistic, as if the world were mine in that moment....  
The small people below would live their lives, and I would begin anew.  
I was in control of my own life.  
I had never felt so empowered.

I stood fully.  
My hand still grasping the thin bar to my right, it being the only thing mounting the railing to the ceiling for support, thus keeping me balanced.  
I leaned forward, swaying, my arm the only thing holding me. My toes flexing on the cold painted metal.  
Thats when I heard the shouts.  
The people below had seen me.  
There was fear and shock.  
Jeers and taunts.  
I registered none of it.

This is it.

I smile, really truely smile, this was my life, and I was taking control.  
My heart pounding in my ears, my body started to shake as the adrenaline hit my system.  
I let go of the bar holding me steady and started to fall forward.  
What happened next happened too fast for me to understand fully.  
I heard screams as I leaned forward,

I felt a heat wrap around my hips and yank me backwards,  
the wind blew throwing me sideways and I felt a softened impact and what would have probably been  
searing pain on the left of my body, had I been not full of adreanline.  
Whatever had cushioned my right side was very, very, warm.  
Or perhaps I had just been very, very, cold?  
My eyes snapped open in shock as I heard screaming below.  
I was alive.  
why?! why the hell am i alive?! what went wrong?!  
My brain in overdrive trying to register the information and seperate the details,  
the adrenaline still surging through my body causing me to shake,  
my breath was heaving as i lay there for what seemed like hours, unsure and confused;  
but really it was only possibly half a second or more.

"TEME ! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING!?!?!", I closed my eyes and rolled off of who I could only assume to be Naruto.

* * *

AN: Reviews would help alot let me know what ya think!

-Jiz


	3. Chapter 3

AN: Thanks for the reviews, they have meant alot. Its kinda of a 'warm and fuzzy' feeling to know your work is enjoyed by others too. :]

warnings & disclaimers: chapter 1.

* * *

Perfectly Imperfect

Chapter 3

"Even if I say  
It'll be alright  
Still I hear you say  
You want to end your life  
Now and again we try  
To just stay alive  
Maybe we'll turn it all around  
'Cause it's not too late  
It's never too late" --Three Days Grace; Never too late.

* * *

I was tired. I hadn't realized how very little sleep I had gotten these past few days. Sasuke acting somewhat normal again last night had been a huge relief and I was finally sleeping like I was supposed to; my own bed, not that damn sofa.

So when I woke up and noticed that morning light was bathing my room, I was not exactly happy. Hell, I was pissed that I was awake!! I began to flip over, taking the sheet with me, succesfully half-way through wrapping myself into a wonderful burrito when my stomach growled, and my bladder screamed at me. 'fucking fuck' i mumbled as i threw the once comforting, now confining, sheet from myself and swung both feet off the bed.

Forcefully i rubbed my eyes, resigned to the fact that i wouldnt be able to get back to sleep after all, and made it to my bathroom in a sort of drunken half awake stumble. When i had succesfully relieved myself and banged my head against the counter a few times, [splashing water on my face required too much effort], i looked into the mirror.

My hair was getting long. It looked crazier than normal, my eyes were still clouded with the fading dream of sleep, and my scars were just as plain as ever.

A few times i had tried to put those scar reducing creams on my face, but they never worked. At least they were white scars now, and not the hideous purple ones they had been when they were fresh. I rolled my eyes at my reflection, why was i thinking about shit like that this damn early in the morning? My stomach growled, and i groaned and turned towards the exit of my messy bathroom.

I made my way into the kitchen, and was about to rummage through the fridge in search of leftover pizza when a chill swept over my back. Curious, I turned and found the sliding glass patio door open. I could only just see it from here, the venetian blinds obscured the rest of the large door. "what the hell?" i murmered to myself and walked across the disaster that made up the living room. I hadn't left the door open, and that was the kind of shit Sasuke usually bitched at me for doing.

stepping over controllers and various debris i made it to the left side of the door and walked its lenght to reach the opening.

thats when I froze....

My heart leaped into my throat, my stomach hit my toes, my skin began to crawl, & I felt more than physical cold.. all with a sickening quickness.

Sasuke was currently squatting on the railing of the balcony, a total disregard for his own safety was more than apparent as he stood and allowed part of his body to swing out, only one hand anchoring him to life as that cold wind picked up again. I tried to swallow my heart, pick up my stomach and will myself to move.

No good my feet wouldn't unstick themselves from the carpet... I seemed to be frozen and I couldn't get my mind to act quite right. This was sasuke. I felt blank as the image before me burned itself into my brain.

My throat went dry ; Then I heard the screams of students below , a sudden rising in pitch as they noticed Sasuke.

Then, I saw his smile.

He was smiling a smile I had never seen before, a real smile. It was both beautiful and terrifying, the way it lit up all of his features, the way it made him seem to glow; and I knew what he was doing beyond shadow or doubt. All hesitancies were thrown from my head as my body reacted of its own accord, my mind still numbly processing in a panic. sasuke was trying to kill himself. The thought made my heart ache in an unfamiliar way. I felt myself rush forward with a speed I didnt know I possessed, thanking my lucky stars that I did not trip over the slight ledge of the doorway like i usually do, and I grabbed Sasuke's stupid, idiotic, retarded, asshole, selfish, self just as he released the bar with all intent to fly.

I put every bit of my body weight into yanking him back, the fear rising like a bile in the back of my throat, sheer determination not letting me think of anything but saving him. I had jumped up to grab his middle and miraculously turned my knees to stop my momentum against the railing, when we hit the concrete of the balcony floor stars exploded before my eyes at the contactof my skull to the hard surface. I felt the sting of ripping flesh in a few places and my ribs bruise as they cushoned the fall of the suicidal bastard.

It took a moment for me to regain my bearings and swallow my nausea at the thought of what had almost happened.

I practically growled at the idiot on top of me , "TEME ! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING!!!", my voice cracking in either rage or the fear that had quaked within me.

* * *

"Ugn.", I grunted. A sense of loss coursing through me.

I had been so close. so very close. and he had stopped me. Numbly I stood as my head processed the fact that i had failed.  
Again.  
Naruto.  
It was because of Naruto that I was still standing here with my heart beating mockingly in my chest.  
What made him think he had a right to interfere?  
I whirled to face him, my face contorted in rage.

"WHY!?!" I all but screamed at the idiot in front of me. My chest was heaving with the effort it was taking to breathe through the pounding of my heart and the shaking of my body from the adrenaline rush.

I shoved him hard in the chest, becoming violent in my current rage of emotions, his confused glare further enraging me into getting a reaction out of him.

I saw a spark in his eyes as i shoved him, then he puched me in the jaw. I felt the sickening impact send my head spinning almost causing me to bite my tongue. Yes..this was what i needed. I tested my jaw by tensing it, the resulting pain not as much as i had anticipated, before i lunged at him punching him first in the face somewhere, noting that i may have hit his nose, before using my other fist to hit his stomach. The jar to my wrist was unexpected, i'd never noticed him having any sort of muscle tone before. I had no time to muse over when he last worked out because he took advantage of his stooped position to tackle me to the ground, the concrete ripping my back to shreds as i gritted my teeth holding back my outcry of pain at both the tensing of my jaw and the bloody ribbons that my back was sure to be. "what the fuck is wrong with you teme?!" his voice came out in an angry growl, his forearm over my throat, his knees pinning both my hips and hands digging my knuckles into the concrete. I looked at him, his eyes were bright with anger and determination, his face was smeared with blood, it seemed i had hit his nose , as it was currently dripping onto his arm and my throat. "What in the hell are you thinking in that thick ass skull of yours!? I have never been so damn scared in all my god damn life!! Why would you fucking jump off of a damn balcony?! You lost your family, i fucking get it, but you still have people that care about you, for fucks sake Sakura loves you! And I dont know what I would do --" He paused, choking back some emotion, "--, it wouldnt be the same." I stared at him for a moment, the anger leaving me, leaving nothing but cold defeat in its wake.

I managed to push him off of me and I stood up, holding in the outcry from my weeping back. "you dont know me enough to care about me. You dont fucking know me. You dont know shit about anything thats happened in my life, and i seriously doubt your ability to relate." I paused. "I have to go."  
I turned towards the still open door

"No the fuck your--" he began, suddenlt jumping up to a standing position, as if he were preparing to fight me again. "Do you not hear the fucking sirens dobe?! I am NOT going to be here when the police get here, Im sure even you can put the pieces together on that one..."I looked at him, my eyes narrowed into a threatening glare,"I did not try to jump. It was a misunderstanding. You panicked when you saw me and grabbed me. Think you can remember all that?"

"fuck you"

"Im glad years of vocabulary lessons were not wasted on you" I scoffed and walked through the apartment to my room, grabbing a jacket and putting it on as quickly and delicately as possible, trying not to let it get stuck in the blood on my back. I exited my room, neglecting to grab shoes and snatched my keys off the hook on the fridge, all this while my brain was in a whirl of how to get out of this mess, I highly doubted Naruto would lie for me, let alone do it convincingly.

"Sasuke."

I turned, aggitation rising up to the surface again. "what?!" I snapped.

" I meant what i said, dont be an idiot, I'll text you when shit cools down here"

If I was surprised that Naruto was really letting me leave and being cool about it, I didnt show it. "Hn." I left with a quick snap of the door.

* * *

I collapsed on the couch.

The officers had been a pain, but I was used to evasive answers and innocent facial expressions; i used them well.

After an hour of questioning I finally had them convinced that Sasuke had been simply leaning over the railing. He had never been about to jump, I had grabbed him and we had gotten in a fight because he had broken my PS2. [which was now smashed to bits, a clever bit of thinking, and now Sasuke was going to buy me a PS3 to replace it. I snickered at the thought of his face when I told him that.]. That was why people heard me yelling at him, 'teme what the fuck were you thinking', because he had broken it in a bout of anger, 'he's still grieving, the bastard doesnt handle emotional situations well'. By the end of it I had them all laughing about over-reacting college 'fan-girls' and how easily rumors were expanded upon. They asked how the stoic bastard was doing, i told them he was 'fine as you can be'; which is where they became uncomfortably reminded that i had lost my mom only a year ago, and my dad just 6 months ago. The awkward air expanded, finally making them uncomfortable enough to leave.

I grabbed my cell phone, my heart clenching for a moment at the thought of Sasuke ki--finishing what he started by now. He didnt have any supervision, he had no one to stop him. I pushed the thoughts out and flipped through my contacts, finding 'the Teme' in the list, and texting him, just blindly hoping that he would keep his promise.

'cops are gone. You owe me a ps3, teme.'

...sending...sending...sent.

I let out a breath i didnt know i was holding and let my head fall against the back of the sofa. Nothing to do now but wait...

I still wasnt entirely sure why i was jumping through such hoops to ensure the Teme was left alone by the cops and psychologists and whatever else wack-jobs came at you when you tried to kill yourself, but running a hand over my scarred cheeks I couldn't help but feel a bit hypocritical at the thought of trying to get him sent off anywhere. I mean sure, he needs some damn help, but the fucker needed help waaaay before this episode.

Hell, i think I've only ever seen him laugh and smile like a normal guy twice, once when he came back from one of those 'dinner party' things and had drank a 'very good year' wine. A total drunk bafoon, Sakura had hastily gotten them out of there before Sasuke's family had seen him and brought him home,--effectively dumping the bastard with me, his crazy drunk self laughing when he couldnt seem to get his shoes off and hugging me over and over telling me i was a lousy room-mate but a good friend.

I'm still not sure how to take that....

anyway, the second time was because he was taken by surprise when he came home and Hinata and I had been...well...'on the couch'...we weren't exactly naked or anything, but it was getting there, then he busted in, Hinata turned the color of a ripe tomatoe,sputtered something like 'oh s-shit, oh shit!' while grabbing her shirt and darting past him to her apartment down the hall, leaving me sitting on the couch, half dressed, half aroused and pissed. Then he busted out laughing. At what? I'm not sure, Maybe at Hinata, maybe at me, maybe at the thought of me getting laid, I dunno; but i was so shocked to see him laughing that i totally forgot why i had been mad and laughed with him. The memory still brings a smile to my lips.-hinata running off, she was so embarrased, she didnt even look at me for weeks after that, and now nearly faints when she sees me..that bastard ruins everything.

I smiled at the thoughts.

SLAM!

I swear to fucking shit, i almost leapt out of my skin. "Naruto!!!" Sakura burst through the door, her pink hair still tied back from work, her nursing scrubs still on, there were tears in her jade eyes and she seemed to be in an all out panic, I placed a hand on my chest to steady my racing heart," Where is Sasuke!!! I tried to call him but he didnt answer, i texted him and everything!! I told him i was coming here if he didnt answer me! is he here?"she glanced at the phone she currently had a death grip on, probably checking for texts, " did he really try to kill himself?! oh my god, naruto is he dead?! Did he manage to..to..!?!?!"she moved her opposite hand, still holding her keys, and gripped her hair, " I was at work, i just got home, Ino was going crazy talking about ambulances and police...oh my god...Naruto!!"

A few times during her hysterics i had tried to say something, but she was basically hyperventilating and wasnt about to let me answer anyway, so i just waited for her to run out of breath as I got up and walked in front of her. I crushed her to my chest in a hug, attempting to calm her down. "He's fine Sakura, he'll be back any minute, just breathe okay?" I felt her pull back and i recieved a swift powerful punch to my right bicep, " You jerk!! Why did you let me worry like that?! You could have fucking said something, hell you could have texted me at work!"

I looked at her, rubbing my arm where I was sure there was going to be a bruise, " and said what? 'hey, sasuke didnt die today' ?? Would you like me to text you everyday? 'hey, sasuke is eating tofu,' 'Teme is taking a shit' ??" I replied voice dripping with aggrivated sarcasm

.

I just totally dont get women, how in the hell they expect you to read their minds...i just dont get cant just know their favorite color or flower, you have to know why. You cant be happy that its tuesday, your supposed to miraculously know that her cat died on a tuesday five years ago. I've liked Sakura all my life, wanted her to be my girl for years, i know more about her than most anyone, but i still dont always 'get' her.

"ha ha" she replied dryly, " so he's okay, he didnt try to..to..you know?" She stared at me with a worried expression on her face, and I rested my hands on her slim shoulders. How many times did i wish that she would worry for me like that? I pushed the negative emotion away, and shrugged. I wasnt sure what to say. It wasnt really my place to say anything, but by not saying anything i would probably piss her off, thus making her less likely to ever see me as more than her friend. [I know its bad to want your room-mates girl, but...damnit, i liked her first, and I'll be damned if I let etiquette get in my way now] I was about to open my mouth to answer the angry look i was currently recieving from two beautiful jade eyes, absently thinking how beautiful she would be if she had black-brown eyes instead, when i heard the door close quietly behind me. I turned and found Sasuke's gaze boring into mine.

His hair was wild, his neck was still covered in my blood, though it was now dried and flaking, his jaw was sporting a slightly yellow discoloration, as was his throat. He was barefooted, still in his pajama pants with his jacket only loosely on him, unzipped, exposing his chest. I found my eyes admiring his muscles, the way his abs were well defined but not bulky, the way they tapered off into a pervect 'v' between his hip bones and dipped below his pants..I quickly snatched my eyes back to his face, having only taken all of that in in a second, assured that i had only been looking out of curiosity. My own muscles were not that defined, i was very slenderly built; that was all. Its not that i dont like guys, I dont discriminate between the sexes, I just dont like the Teme.

The point is!!, he looked like hell.

This was the absolute most disheveled I had ever seen Sasuke.

* * *

I dont know what possesed me to do it. What possesed me to go back to the apartment.

I had gotten in my expensive Mercedez sports car and just drove around, letting myself steer on auto-pilot while my mind drifted.

I wasn't happy that Naruto had stopped me, that much was certain, and it would be difficult now, because half the student body had seen me, and I wasnt even sure if Naruto could pull off lying to the cops. He just doesn't seem the type to lie smoothly without stuttering or losing thread of whatever story he weaved. I may get a text saying that I am being admitted somewhere, or that I need to come back and talk to the police.

Why haven't I just gone somewhere else and finished things?

My blood turned cold as the thought of driving off the same bridge as my parents entered my head,...I closed my eyes for a moment, willing the image away, before snapping them back open to the road.

I dont think I have the guts to do it all again.

It was a rush, but it was also terrifying.

I dont think I could get up enough guts to do it again, not with what Naruto said to me on the balcony.. "..I have never been so damn scared in all my god damn life!! ...you still have people that care about you.."

If I really am chained to this life, then I might as well make it more tolerable.

Thats how i found myself buying my first pack of ciggarettes, Marlboro Smooth.

I had always found ciggarettes disgusting, why anyone would willingly poison their bodies was beyond me.  
Now, I found, it was not 'beyond me'. Poisoning my body no longer seemed to be a problem, and curiosity about the unknown has always had a strong pull for me.

The pack smelled minty when i opened it, leaning against my car outside the gas station. I pulled one out and eyed it before sitcking it between my lips and holding it there.  
I experimentally flicked the lighter a few times, then lit the ciggarette with a short inhale.

I nearly dropped the lighter as I coughed once, and fought the urge to cough several more times.  
After a few moments I got the hang of it, enjoying the minty taste of menthol. The smoke was mesmerizing, watching it come from my own mouth, drifting away in intricate swirls.  
By the time I finished the cigarette I felt calmer, and a little dizzy, so i sat back down in my car just in time to hear my phone buzz from the cup holder of my console.

I flipped it open, trediptation building in the pit of my stomach...

'cops are gone. You owe me a ps3, teme.'

I let my head fall back against the headrest, and smirked. I owe him a ps3? Typical Naruto.

So, I wound up back at the apartment complex in record time, parked my car and headed for the stairs, still unsure of what to expect. Would he want to 'talk about it'?..hn..I'd just ignore him and go to my room.

There were still several students around the dorm entrance, their whispers lingered in my ears as I went by, snatches of their conversations just repeating on loop in my head al the way up the stairs.--'tried to kill himself', 'always knew he was a emo-kid' 'think he'll try again?'. I simply glared, and masked my face into one of indifferance.  
I was so absorbed in my thoughts that as I reached my door, I didn't notice the voices mumbling inside, and ended up opening the door on Naruto and Sakura. The one person I had not calculated into my situation. Naruto and I locked eyes for a moment as I stood there wondering if it would do me any good to just turn around and leave.

* * *

AN: Hope you enjoyed.  
-Jiz


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4.

AN: SO, I finally got my computer back up and running. I also wrote up this nice new chapter with a lemon.  
But, I also went back to the last chapters and edited them. There were some major plot problems and just some general bad writing. Sorry if it bugs you that it changed, it hasnt changed much, but Naruto's character needed to be fixed. Sasuke has basically stayed the same. :]  
thanks for readin', R&R.  
3  
Jiz

WARNING: SASUSAKU LEMON. Yes, i know, blasphemous me. But read it, it has the first hints of SasuNaru in it.

* * *

"Oh Sasuke!", Sakura exclaimed in a soft whisper as she stepped away from and around me, almost that quickly she seemed to forget I existed. It hurt.

You would think I was used to it, the Teme and I had been room-mates for a while, yet it still seemed to make my heart throb painfully everytime.

I pulled from my thoughts to watch her walk almost dazedly across the room.

Sasuke avoided her gaze, walking away from her to put his keys on his key hook.  
"I'm fine."  
His tone was flat and uncaring, yet Sakura didn't flinch away. She snapped out of her daze and covered the distance between them, reaching out and carefully drifting her fingers across his bruised face. Her eyes were searching his face for some unknown sign, some clue as to his mental state.  
Or maybe she was just trying to take in the fact that he was alive and still standing here in front of her.  
"... I was so worried about you... I heard that you tried to--to.."  
She seemed to struggle with the phrase, her eyes closing momentarily in a pained attempt to forget,  
"-but your here, and safe",  
She smiled softly before a frown marred her face once again,  
"..but what happened? You've been so hollow, "  
She leaned into his chest, hugging him tightly, apparently oblivious to the fact that his arms were still glued to his sides. Her voice was soft and full of love as she made a movement as if to touch his hair,  
" I love you so much Sasuke, please don't keep things from me. I'm here for you."  
he flinched back as if he had been slapped.  
" I said I am fine Sakura,"  
He bit out while freeing himself of her embrace, somehow making her name sound like a curse, yet she still seemed resilient to his aura of anger and hatred.

I turned away,  
I couldn't handle watching them.

Was this how their relationship always was?!  
How could he talk to her like that?  
I wouldn't treat her that way.  
Ever.  
Here she was giving him everything he could ever desire and he was basically spitting in her face..  
My hand was itching to punch him again for being such a stuck up ass, so I walked to the couch hoping the yard or so distance between them and the couch would somehow absorb their words;  
I couldnt handle watching them any longer.

The idea that she was with him when she could be with me, or anyone else, and be cherished..it was making me sick to my stomach. I flipped on the t.v. and went for my game when i realized i had smashed it earlier. I punched my leg in absolute frustration and toyed with the idea of going to my room and blasting my music, but the haunting memory of Sasuke this morning kept me glued to my seat.  
I still didn't know what was going on in that twisted head of his, and sooner or later he would manage to run Sakura off, or she would leave, and I would be here waiting.  
He needed to talk to someone, he at least owed me an explanation as to why he decided to play superman.

I turned on the T.V. and began flipping through channels, hoping to drown out all forms of their conversation.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

I extended my palm, slowly but forcefully pushing Sakura away from me.  
"We can't do this. I'm not-"  
"Sasuke, stop."  
She took a step back, and I allowed my hand to drop to my side.  
Her eyes were still full of love and caring, and it almost hurt to look into them,  
"I don't know what you are going through right now, but I am still here for you. You dont have to push me away, I will always be here for you when you want to talk, or even if you dont."

Her words should have been comforting, should have been a thousand things that made me feel relieved, but instead it just made me feel empty.  
It made me realize that I really had no love for her, no real care for her.  
I wasn't sure if I ever did.  
I played the act so well that I had convinced even myself. Staring at her now I felt nothing. So, I turned and walked away.  
"Sasuke."  
She called my name softly, as if scolding a child in an adoring way.

I leaned against the doorframe to my bedroom, pushing the heels of my palms into my eyes until i started to see spots within the blackness of my eyelids, I was frustrated.  
I had spent a long time in this relationship with Sakura, building up trust and caring and devotion, but it was all one sided. I had all the emotional attachment to her that I would have towards a buisness partner.  
I had always cared about her because of how she incorporated into my life, and so i was content with the constraints and social dynamics of having a long-term, long-lasting relationship with her. Now, I found myself drowning in a Sasuke that I no longer identified with.

I could not be with her.

I would never care for her the same way..somehow I had managed to kill at least a part of myself today,..I didn't know who I was anymore.  
It felt like being onstage and forgetting not only your lines, but also the role of your character, making impromptu an impossibility.

I pulled my hands away from my eyes to see Sakura watching me with the most doting expression I had yet to see, when had she fallen so deeply in love with me? How? Had I fulfilled my role that well?  
"I can't be with you! I'm not me anymore! My money is not the same as love, and it never will be!",  
I found myself blurting out in sheer desperation to make her understand.  
I was tired, I was sore, I wanted everything to end and yet my nightmare spiraled more out of control as she pushed past me into my room, pulling me with her sliding her hand into my pajama pants.

I could feel the blood rushing south as she began to stroke me, he nails trailing somewhat fiercely across my inner thigh.  
"Sakura, you--" I began angrily, my body frozen by her minstrations.  
" Sasuke, you love me. You are just scared to loose someone again, so you're trying to push me away. But I'm not going anywhere no matter how hard you push me."  
Her eyes were glittering in the realtive darkness of my bedroom as she began to stroke me faster, my precum now becoming a lubricant for her tight fist,  
"Sakura, --damnit! "

I slammed my head into the wall in frustration.  
I was loosing the battle with my body, the pleasure was beginning to blank my mind, which was probably why she began this in the first place.  
I dug my nails into the paint, hating myself for enjoying this.  
Hating her for doing this to me, for thinking that I could love her.

She and everyone else had me placed on this pedestal. To her and the rest of the world I was perfect. I reached out and fisted my hand in her hair, venting out some anger by pushing down.  
She complied without a complaint, dropping to her knees and dragging my pajama pants down to my ankles, i widened my stance, kicking my pants to the side and forced her head foreward.  
I was rewarded with the sensation of her hot mouth enclosing the engorged flesh between my legs.  
The pleasure was mind numbing, and i disgusted myself further by gripping into her hair harder and pumping into her more quickly, the warmth and pleasure spreading up my spine, causing my fingertips to tingle..

"mmmmm"  
I allowed the small hum of pleasure to escape my lips, then bit my lip remembering the open door only inches to my right.  
All Naruto would have to do would be to stand from the couch and walk towards the kitchen and he would have a plain view of Sakura eating my cock. For some reason the idea of Naruto spotting us caused me to become impossibly insatiable.  
With the thought of him seeing us in my mind my pleasure increased ten-fold and i slid my free hand down my tense and hardened stomach to caress my balls.

I felt Sakura begin to pull back and I almost moaned in dissapointment, I was feeling so good.

As she stood and I lazily stroked myself [something I would not usually succumb to doing], not wanting to loose the feeling I was having.  
I suppose it was the thrill of the idea of being caught, I imagined him walking in now to see if Sakura and I had worked things out and seeing me standing here slouched against the wall stroking myself slowly, my other hand kneading my sac in an almost teasing fashion;  
My eyes rolled back into my head and I bit my lip to keep back my moan as I was assaulted with that alien amount of pleasure again,  
"Ahh, sasuke,...",  
sakura purred as she watched me, lust now clearly written in her expression she put her hands on my shoulders and turned me so that I was pressing her into the wall, my hands on her hips.

I impatiently pushed her thin pants down her legs and she kicked one leg free, but before she could begin to worry about her underwear i grabbed her right leg and placed it on my shoulder, sliding the small amount of cloth covering her entrance to one side i slammed into her.

Her nails dug into the fabric of my hoodie, causing my back to twinge painfully, her short "ah!" of unexpected pleasure was drowned out by a particularly loud noise from the t.v. causing me to think of Naruto seeing us again, picturing him walking to his room and glancing back to accidentally spot us.  
I quickened my pace,  
"mm, sasuke,..deeper.."  
She whispered in quick pleasure filled whispers, her breathing heavy.

I slid my hands up her stomach and onto her breast, kneading them as I angled myself into her more deeply, all the while picturing the same scenario of Naruto seeing us, maybe hiding and watching us, her wet velvet heat encasing me more tightly as i increased her pleasure, my mind filled with visions of Naruto catching us in various ways I felt the familiar heat beginning to build, and I wanted Sakura tighter, I wanted her panting, I wanted Naruto to see it all.

I slid one hand inside her shirt and bra to knead her nipple, the other down her flat belly, sliding my thumb inside her now saturated panties to stroke her clit. I could feel her start bucking wildly against me, the wet sounds of sex getting louder as we forgot ourselves to blind pleasure, her walls tightening around me, quivering with her oncoming orgasm I felt the sweat dripping down my body, and down my back which was now almost on fire with the pain of salty sweat, but it was nothing compared to the explosive release I found as Sakura grabbed my ass forcing me into her harder, I bit down on her shoulder to keep from crying out as her orgasm followed right behind mine, milking me and prolonging the pleasure.

I gasped in a breath after the moment passed, my heart beating like a hummingbird in my chest as Sakura slid her leg off of my shoulder and i was forced to pull out of her.

I took a few steps backwards and sat on my bed as she went to the bathroom to wash up, pausing to kiss my forhead as she went.  
I glanced across the dark floor to see my pajama pants laying in the doorway, the light illuminating them like a guilty man's spotlight.

I wasn't sure if I should grab them, or simply put on some other pair of pants. At least the ones on the floor were already dirty, i needed to wash up, but going in the bathroom with Sakura was asking for a repeat; something i didn't want, and couldn't believe I had been pulled into sex so easily only moments ago.

So, i walked in the shadows to the edge of the door, and used my foot to fish the pants back into my reach.  
After pulling them on I walked into the living room, glancing at Naruto as I passed by him on my way to the balcony. He seemed relaxed and intent on his Television show, except for the finger nail impressions on the edge of the leather sofa cusions.  
I smirked and slid open the glass, pulling a cigarette out of the pack, only to have it knocked out of my hand as someone plowed into my back, causing me to let out a low strangled sounding yell of pain.

0-0-0-0-0-0-  
AN:Okay, short chapter, but here we are, and I am satified with the previous chapters now i believe.  
That was my first ever lemon. -blushes- My muse said it was good, so it is now posted. :]  
-Jiz


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: **Here is the  
redone chapter 5.

A lot of my lovely reviewers left me very constructive and  
helpful reviews, and after much thought, I have decided to dial back a little  
bit. Hopefully we are now back to the 'meat' of the story, as one of my reviews  
so wonderfully put it.

Thank you again, you are all wonderful, and are helping me  
learn as I go.

[Dedicated to my muse, as she is my biggest fan and deserves  
a completed story. Thanks Katie. You ALL  
inspire me.]

ALSO! There is NARU X SAKU in this chapter  
only. It's critical to my plot, so skim past it if it offends you or don't read  
that bit if you're not of age to read sexual content. Flames will be bypassed, criticism is okay.

Reviews are deeply appreciated, especially on the change. I  
hope you feel this makes things smoother.

**Ch.5**

_"Now you want  
to take me down_

_As if I even  
care_

_I am the  
monster in your head_

_And I thought  
you'd learn by now_

_It seems you  
haven't yet_

_I am the venom  
in your skin_

_And now your  
life_

_Is broken"-Breaking  
Benjamin_

I ground my teeth together and stooped to pick up the fallen  
cigarette before walking to one of the collapsible canvas chairs. I sat and  
leaned forward on my knees, lighting my cigarette and taking a calming drag  
before turning to look at Naruto.

"You're a real piece  
of work, you know that Teme?" He said, catching me off guard with his  
infuriated tone. "Do you get off on  
being a dick to other people? I mean seriously! How can you do shit like  
that?" I simply stared at him, not understanding what he was talking about.  
"Shit like what?"

He roared in apparent frustration, gripping the railing  
momentarily, as if to calm himself before turning back to me. "I don't get you! Are you depressed? Are you  
stupid? A masochist? I mean really man, what the hell is your problem? You're  
all for killing yourself when you have someone like her practically falling all  
over her-self to be with you! Then-you what?- you push her away and act like  
a world class ass to her, then all of a sudden you're having sex with her? What  
kind of logic is that? What could possibly make that okay?" He paused in his  
rant, before lowering his tone almost as if speaking to himself and running a  
hand through his hair, " —I don't know what she sees in you, why she loves you.  
Why would anyone love you-". He stopped, his eyes widening as the words left  
his mouth.

'Why would anyone love you?'

The terrifying truthful words wormed their way into my  
brain. The calm state of distracted depression now obliterated, i was reminded  
of my isolation, and how very stupid I had been to have been distracted by the  
words Naruto had shouted at me this morning.

He was another who would miss a version of me that was not  
real.

It hurt, so I did the  
only thing I could.

I pulled up my mask.

I turned my face into its usual stony stoicism and brushed  
past Naruto as though nothing had happened. I bottled up all the hurt as well  
as I could and just left.

I didn't have a plan when I left, and when I arrived at my  
car to see the words "EMO BITCH" scrawled across the windshield in white paint  
I simply took a calming breath and did the only logical thing that I could  
think of at the time.

I walked around to the trunk, popped it open, and grabbed  
the metal baseball bat that I had had in there since High school, closed the  
trunk and walked back around.

There was glass everywhere within three hearty swings.

After that I got in, glass and all, and just drove. I drove  
unseeingly with the wind blasting me in the face, simply lost in my thoughts  
until I pulled to a stop. That's when I realized I had just driven to the only  
place I had left to go. My Father's—my, MY Estate.

So, just like in my High School days I walked into the  
oversized house intent on two things.

The liquor cabinet and the solitude of my bedroom.

Alcohol had always been a weakness with me. I never really  
allowed myself more than a glass of wine now that I was older, because I knew  
just how easy it was to drink. I enjoyed the burn of the alcohol and the  
strange sense of empowerment & freedom it gave me. I enjoyed it a bit too  
much.

It was a dangerous vice.

But, now, there was no reason not to drink. There was no  
Mother or Father to disapprove of my indulgence. No Brother to be compared to.  
It was just me, and it didn't even matter if I even woke up tomorrow.

Nothing mattered.

So I climbed the steps to the oversized porch, and slid  
silently into the quiet house. I stood  
for a moment in the foyer lost in thought, before moving to walk towards the  
left end of the house, in the direction of the liquor and my bedroom when a  
cold silky voice stopped me dead in my tracks.

"Why, hello, Sasuke-kun."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

I was pissed at Sasuke. He treats Sakura like shit, then  
goes and fucks her. How fucked in the head can you get? She comes over worried  
as shit, and he practically glares her to death, then next thing I know I hear  
her panting in his room! So when he came  
out like nothing happened, actually looking more depressed, I just lost  
it.

One of the worst things about me is my anger. It's a side of  
me I do my hardest to conceal, and considering how angry I had been with  
Sasuke, I found it a miracle that I didn't do anything too terribly  
regrettable, and boy was I grateful for that. Yet, my relief was short lived.  
Though I may not have physically lashed out at Sasuke, I still felt that I did  
something very wrong.

I knew as soon as the words left my mouth that I shouldn't  
have said it. He just tried to kill himself this morning and I was all for  
convincing him that people cared about him,  
a matter of hours later and I'm suddenly telling him how he doesn't  
deserve love.

Before I could even manage to get my head back, before I  
could backtrack, before I could even blink, he was gone.

He had simply gone blank, and walked away.

SMASH!

I jumped at the sound of glass shattering in the distance,  
and somewhere I kind of knew that it was probably Sasuke.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

There in the golden glow of the recessed lighting up above,  
was Orochimaru.

He had been a close friend to my family over the years, so  
close as to be living in the estate when he came through on business. Though I had known him my whole life, I still  
wasn't certain what his 'business' was, and had I known that he was here now, I  
would not have come.

"I've been so worried" he said, his voice breathy and low.  
As always his words seemed to carry a double meaning as he made his way down  
the double staircase towards me. I  
remained immobile, calculating the outcomes of various scenarios, all geared  
towards getting him to leave.

He reached me more quickly than I had anticipated and rested  
his surprisingly cold hand on my exposed collar bone, startling me for a moment  
before he made a 'tsk' noise and pulled back.

"Have you been in a fight Sasuke?" His fingers ghosted  
across a bruise on my jaw. I replayed the day's events in my head while trying  
to ignore his lingering fingers, and looked down at myself.

Now that I was actually paying attention, I was actually in  
quite a bit of pain. There were various stings in my feet and the backs of my  
legs, most likely from the glass. My back was stiff and sore, my neck was  
tender,…and I didn't even want to get into how I looked and smelled.

"I see no reason to enlighten you." I responded  
nonchalantly, carefully edging back out of his reach.

He smiled as if he knew many things that I did not and  
pulled a bottle from his pocket. "Here, " He grabbed my hand and poured four  
small yellow pills from it.

"Take these- and a  
shower." He said, curling my fingers  
around the pills. "Simply yell if you need anything, I _won't be far_." I felt a  
small twinge of insecurity at his words, but he had been the same for my whole  
life and he had never done anything untoward aside from lingering in personal  
space for too long. "What are these?" I asked, gesturing towards my hand full  
of pills.

"You must learn to be more trusting Sasuke-kun." He responded,  
his voice light as if speaking with a toddler. "They are simply pain killers."  
And he sauntered off through the double doorway under the great stairs without  
giving me another look.

Unsure, I put them in my pocket and made my way through the  
many elaborately furnished rooms of the house until I reached the bar. I leaned  
over the mahogany counter, and allowed my fingers to skim over the tops of the  
many bottles tucked out of sight below the countertop, and simply grabbed  
whichever bottle happened to feel mostly full. I then proceeded to my bedroom.

By the time I had sat on the edge of my bed, my mind was  
already racing with the words Naruto had spoken, the words on my windshield,  
the whispers of passerby, the cold scolding words of my father years ago, and  
the pills that were now feeling heavy in my pocket…I twisted the cap off of the  
bottle, glancing at the label to see what in the world I had grabbed, Wild  
Turkey Bourbon.

Good, it wouldn't  
take much.

I stripped off my hoodie, and took a large gulp from the  
bottle, sloshing some down my bare chest in my haste, before glancing back at  
my hoodie on the floor, considering the pills nestled in the pocket.

On an impulse, before I could change my mind, I grabbed all  
four and popped them in my mouth followed by another swig of bourbon.

-0-00-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

"Where is Sasuke?"  
The soft feminine voice interrupted the tirade I was pouring into my  
cell phone.

I was sitting on my bed; hand in my hair, pouring out  
everything that had gone on in the past week or so to my brother. He had been  
listening patiently so far, either that or he was reading a book and only half  
listening to me.

Her face was twisted with worry, and she was wearing his  
boxers, rolled up as shorts, and a white sports bra. It made me sick to think  
that she would come to me with so little clothing, because it meant she truly  
thought of me as a brother.

"Naruto" Gaara's  
voice deadpanned through the phone.

"Yea" I croaked in  
response, holding up a solitary finger of pause to the pinkette in my doorway.

"I will be over in  
the morning, I have evening classes tonight. Take your medicine, and call me  
back if you are in danger of doing anything _stupid_,  
alright?" "Yea, sure. See you soon then. "I replied as relief washed over me.  
I'd be seeing my brother soon, it would all be fine. He'd fix it, He always  
does.

I snapped the phone shut and turned to look at Sakura, again  
I felt my mouth go dry, so I bent down and snatched up an old shirt from the  
basket by my bed and tossed it at her with a grin on my face, "Cover those  
things up, You know how jealous they make me." I said laughingly, referencing  
to the perverted joke that I used often, wishing for boobies of my own to play  
with. She smiled lightly, slipping the oversized and well abused black shirt  
over her head. The effect was even more attractive than she had been moments  
before. She looked like she belonged to me, standing there in one of my  
favorite shirts. I stood and walked to  
the bathroom, avoiding looking in the mirror, I simply opened it and took a handful  
of pills out and swallowed them with a handful of tap water. Scrunching my face  
up at the taste and feeling of near choking, I walked back out. She was sitting  
on my bed now. "He left, didn't he?" She asked softly, staring at her feet.  
"Yea, but he'll be back. It's not your fault—he's just struggling right now" _it's my fault._ , I thought, but I left  
that part out. "He doesn't have anywhere else to go really. People care about  
him here, he'll be back." _liar. You  
pushed him away._ "Let's just chill out and wait for him, maybe he just needs  
some air. I know that's what I needed after my parents died." _For the air to clear you mean. _I  
stomached past my uncomfortable thoughts and sat next to her, grabbing a few  
beers from the mini fridge along the way. I passed one to Sakura. "You're  
probably right Naruto. He's so hard to read sometimes. I'm just glad I have you  
to talk to." She said smiling, and leaning against me. I took a very long drink  
from my beer in response.

A few hours later, we had killed my beer supply and were now  
taking shots. We had played Uno, listened to our favorite bands and just talked  
for the better part of that time.

"3, 2, 1,-GO!" Sakura announced, downing her shot with an  
ease that amazed me as I choked and spluttered around my own. The familiar warmth of alcohol burning  
through my limbs, I couldn't help but laugh. I couldn't hold my head straight,  
and I was swaying all over the place. I decided to stand up and dance, but  
immediately lost my footing and fell right back next to Sakura on the bed.

She flopped over,  
laughing with her arms over her head. I couldn't let such a target go wasted,  
so I shoved my fingers into her armpits, eliciting a scream of laughter.

What ensued was what could only be described as a wrestling  
tickle match, with small breaks for a shot or two before the fun began  
anew. I don't know how long we chased  
each other around my small room like drunken fools, leaping on my bed, over the  
garbage, onto my computer chair and knocking over every possible thing in the  
process of trying to tickle the others leg, foot, and neck before everything  
changed.

It was a simple thing really.

She stood from the computer chair and leaped, knocking me  
backwards onto the bed and pinning my arms above my head. She had so much laughter and light in her  
eyes, we were just joking around.

I don't know what did it, maybe the alcohol.

Suddenly I realized that I was hard, and she was perched  
across my hips pinning me down. Even being inebriated I _knew_ I needed to do something, but I couldn't think, everything was  
slow; and she was wriggling in a happy 'I captured Naruto dance' just like she  
had done since we were kids. The only difference this time being that I was  
really turned on all of a sudden, and I couldn't stop my eyes from rolling  
back, I bit my lip to contain the moan. I must have not done such a wonderful  
job because suddenly she froze. We had only been in this position for maybe a  
minute, she hadn't realized that wasn't my belt pressing into her, mostly  
because I wasn't wearing one.

What I didn't expect was to feel her lips press into mine. I  
hope she didn't have any second thoughts after that, because years of agonizing  
desire for her suddenly surged to the surface. One hand flew to the back of her  
head, burying in that soft pink hair the other slid under the back of her  
shorts squeezing her butt cheek and pressing her into me, my hips rolling up to  
greet hers. I met her in a kiss, our teeth clashing in the violent passion  
brought on by alcohol. She slid her legs wider, pushing more of herself against  
me and I almost lost my mind. The only thought in my head was to take her the  
way I had wanted to for years. I slid my hand free from her hair and flipped us  
over easily, her legs now dangling from the knee down off the edge of my bed. I  
used both hands to quickly shimmy her shorts down to her knees while my mouth  
kept busy biting and kissing her soft neck. By now her breathy gasps were  
driving me mad. I was so hard that my pants felt like they were breaking me.

Everything I did was  
hurried, animalistic, as if this were going to end any moment.

As a matter of fact,  
had my entire blood supply not been delivered to my penis, it might have  
occurred to me that I was hurrying because she could change her mind.

Because what we were doing was **wrong**.

Of course, I wasn't thinking about anything other than years  
of fantasies, so those basic facts eluded me.

She gasped as my hand grazed her chest, and that was all it  
took for me to rip one of my favorite shirts down the middle exposing her soft  
defined body and two pert nipples from below a thin sports bra. Thankfully, it  
just happened to have the clasp front and center.

I hurriedly unclasped  
it and my mouth took over from there, eliciting whimpers and gasps as I worked  
my mouth and hand over her breasts. My free hand wrapped around to her back, my  
elbow holding my body weight. I could  
feel her hands impatiently pulling at my shirt. I reached over and turned off  
the lamp, the only light now coming from the ambient nighttime light filtering  
through my blinds and the glow from the CD player. I stood to remove my shirt  
and she hooked her legs into the backs of my knees, causing me to stumble and  
land with my groin pressed into hers. She fisted both of her hands into my hair  
and kissed me, holding me to her, and rocking her hips. I hastily kicked my pants off, allowing them  
to take my boxers; I couldn't take it any longer so I plunged into her with one  
thrust, her gasp causing heat to already begin pooling at my spine. I pushed  
her legs wide apart, laying my body atop hers as I thrust. She raked her nails  
down my back, moaning my name. "Oh god, _yes" _I mumbled aloud, looking at her  
face, watching her gasp. I rolled us over once again, her now on top and took  
advantage of this position to play with her breasts as I rocked into her. She  
met me again in a fiercely drunk kiss. I grabbed her ass and thrust into her,  
if I didn't cum now I felt like I was going to lose my mind. I must have been  
doing something right because her moans and gasp went up in volume, her chest  
was heaving. She dug her nails into my chest, "NARUTO!" She screamed in  
startled pleasure.

That was all it took for me, I flew over the moon, her  
quivering gasps sending me into oblivion.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

When I woke up the next morning, at first I was confused. I  
didn't remember going to bed, and I was itchy. What's more, when I stood up I  
almost found myself on the floor.

I was still drunk.

I felt my eyes grow wide, and my jaw dropped as the night  
caught up with me. I turned slowly, dread forming in my stomach, to look at my  
bed.

There she was, sleeping peacefully. It all felt like a  
dream, and now that the daylight was washing away the sweet oblivion of the  
night, it was more like a nightmare.

I slipped on some sweatpants and a t-shirt from the floor,  
not even caring if they were clean or dirty and escaped the truth that was  
lying in my bed, in favor of the denial I could claim from the couch.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

I was gone. I was so far away from myself, and the beauty of  
it was that I didn't care. I didn't need to be me; I didn't need to make sense.  
I didn't need to feel.

I looked down at my hands, they felt full of lead, and I  
fell back on the bed, my head happily drifting somewhere away from my  
shoulders.

I would have laughed at the sensation, but I lacked the will  
to do much of anything.

Time passed, I vaguely remembered Orochimaru entering, his  
cold fingers skirting across the inch of exposed flesh above my pants as he  
laid the pills on my bed.

Days passed in this way. He was content to give me what I  
needed so long as I allowed him run of the estate and business. I had no need  
for either. They were his so far as I was concerned. But I wasn't concerned at  
all. I was nothing and no one, and that's the way I wanted it to be.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

"Meds, Naruto." Was how Gaara greeted me as he walked  
through the door of my apartment. "What? Why? I'm feeling fine today." His  
green eyes peered at me as if I were being stupid. "And if that should change?"

"Fine" I grumbled, and like a scolded child, I took my sweet  
time dropping my game controller and making my way back into my bedroom for  
medicine. He simply watched me the whole way, and didn't part eyes with my form  
until the last pill had been swallowed.

"Good." He replied, "I think the new medication is working  
better." Then he allowed himself to sink  
into the couch with his book, content to ignore me again. "I'm glad you work at  
a pharmacy" I replied, sitting next to him.

"Sakura will be here soon." He spoke aloud after a few  
moments. My stomach began clenching in  
the uncomfortable feeling of shame that I felt every time I thought of her now.  
We still hadn't told Sasuke, but I knew it would only be a matter of time.  
There was no way I could keep our treachery a secret. It was already eating at  
my soul. I could barely think of him. I could barely look at her. I had had  
more bad days than good in the past week since our fuck up.

Isn't it ironic how you can go your whole life wanting  
something, only to get it and it totally destroys you?

I laid my head back  
on the couch. Now I understood why he wanted me to take my medicine.

The muffled clattering of keys on the other side of the  
doorway drew my attention and I watched as the object of my stress shuffled  
through the door.

She removed her shoes, green converse, and set them in the  
rack, placed her purse on the floor and slowly came to the living room. She was  
hunched over, her arms wrapped around her stomach and she looked like she had  
been crying.

My stomach plummeted. "What's wrong, what's happened?" My  
hands clenched on my knees, bracing for news of Sasuke's death, or her telling  
him about our…accident.

"Nothing's happened, well…not really. Not yet." She said,  
talking to her polka dot socks.

"Huh?"

"I'm Pregnant Naruto." She said, casting her eyes skyward as  
if gravity could hold in the emotions. Standing there in her pink tank, yoga  
pants and polka dot socks she looked very fragile.

I personally couldn't see a problem with it, "Pregnant?" I  
asked again, to clarify, a silly smile already splitting my face at the idea of  
Sasuke making goo-goo faces at a baby. Sakura just looked at me, rather  
impatiently. "Wha-? Oh! Oh my god…no, no, no, no, no, no,…I! I can't!"

"I figured as much," she said, turning to head for her  
shoes. I just stared for a moment not catching on.

"Oh! No! Sakura, Wait!" I scrambled to my feet, rushing to  
her, placing my hands on her shoulders to turn her around.

"Sakura...I'm here for you." I placed my hand on her stomach, "both of you.  
I just hope its Sasuke's. No baby  
deserves a fucked up dad like me. "

"Naruto, you're not fucked up." She said, laying her hand on  
my shoulder. "I'm just so scared. This  
would be scary enough if I was just pregnant…but now I don't know whether my  
best friend or boyfriend is the father. Sasuke's struggling so much and I just  
heap it on." Silent tears were streaming down her face now." I text Sasuke on  
the way here, I've got to see him. I have to try to do this right. He needs to  
know. It's been a week! I thought he would be home by now! Damn butler keeps  
telling me that Sasuke is fine, just not wanting any visitors. Fine my ass!"  
She stomped her foot, in aggravation, having stepped back now.

She moved over to put her shoes back on, "I'm going over  
there, and I don't care if I have to scale the building."

"No you're not! I will. I'll go."

"I'll drive" cut in a bored voice from across the room as  
Gaara placed his book on the coffee table.

-0-0-0-0-0-

I woke up.

My phone was going off across the room on my nightstand.  
From my current perch on the soft black leather bean bag, that felt like very  
far away. I stood anyway, nearly knocking over my bowl of half eaten rice and  
shakily stumbled over to it.

15 missed calls, and 3 text messages.

Text Message 1:

From: Sakura

Hey, I called the estate. I wish you would have told me  
where you were. I've been frantic. I've never seen Naruto so—messed up, I  
guess. He's not himself. He keeps saying it's his fault. He and I have both  
tried to come see you, but we weren't allowed in. I love you, I hope you know  
that.

^.^~Sakura~^.^

Text Message 2:

From: Naruto

I'm sorry Sasuke. Please come back to the apartment, I'll  
even leave. I can't explain in a text message and you won't answer calls. Just  
please.

RoCkGoD

Text Message 3:

From: Sakura

I'm coming to see you today. I don't care if I have to break  
into the estate; I have to talk to you, I have to know you are okay. I love you  
Sasuke, I need you in my life, now more than ever.

^.^~Sakura~^.^

I deleted them. I didn't even bother with the voicemails. It  
would all be the same. Why couldn't they  
understand that I couldn't just pretend I was okay anymore? Why couldn't they  
understand that I was nothing now, that I was useless? I looked around at my bedroom. How many days  
had I been in here now? At least 5.  
Maybe less, I wasn't sure. My hands were shaking, I didn't want to think about  
things, I just wanted to be numb.

The passing of the last few days had been a wonderful blur.  
Now I was being reminded of how empty I was.

I heard a tap on my window.

Pausing, I turned to look.

It couldn't be…could it?

She would have to climb the building, get past security…I  
heard it again, the tapping.

An impatient clanking of an object onto the obstinate glass  
surface.

There was no real question. No bird would be pecking at my  
glass like that.

I reached down and grabbed the bottle of bourbon by the neck  
and took a few warm swallows.

I stepped over to the window to pull back the shade.

I had been expecting to see Sakura outside my window,  
instead I saw Naruto. "Go away Dobe." I  
said, reaching to cover the window again.  
"Open it or I'll break it." I paused, considering his words. "Tch" I  
said, continuing to walk away.

SMASH!

I turned dumbfounded as Naruto continued to use his foot to  
break through my window, then he helped himself inside. I could see blood on  
his hands.

"You idiot," I said,  
crossing over to my bathroom to grab my first aid kit. "Says the guy who has locked himself into  
this bedroom for a week. ", he replied, inspecting his hands.

"How did you know what room to break into?" I asked, opening  
the first aid kit.

"Sakura helped me figure out which windows are yours. She's  
out in the car."

"Well at least she wasn't crazy enough to scale the  
building. You could have been shot by security, you know?" I stated, passing  
the peroxide to Naruto.

"It was her idea, and she would have if I hadn't forced her  
not to. She's gotta' worry about more than herself now." He was wrapping a  
piece of gauze around his palm now.

"What do you mean?" I asked, pausing from handing him the  
scissors. He froze and looked at me for a second, "Well you know, the uh  
patients at the hospital and all. She takes really good care of them."

I raised my eyebrow at him. That had to be the stupidest  
reason I had ever heard. I put the  
scissors back into the case and closed the lid, about to tell him that he  
wasn't making any sense.

"Look, Sakura and I have something very important to tell  
you, and I don't really want to tell you in a bedroom full of half eaten food,  
alcohol and now, broken glass. If you want to come back here, -to this—" He  
gestured to what I realized was truly the worst living conditions I had ever  
found myself in. "Then feel free, but please at least give us the freedom to  
talk to you at home."

His blue eyes were peering at me with such ridiculous hope  
that I forgot all my angsty angry bullshit and just nodded.

He grinned, and turned back for the window.

"Were you born a moron?" I wondered aloud. "What?" He  
turned around looking incredulous. "I have a door, dobe. Or did you really  
expect me to climb through broken glass to go through my own damn window?"

With that I went through the door, like a normal person, and  
Naruto followed. In a matter of moments I was seated in the backseat of Sakura's  
Toyota, the cloying smell of the vanilla air freshener causing me to roll down  
the window and wonder when I had lost my sanity.

**AN: Thanks so much  
for your reviews. Hopefully this redo will rectify the sudden rush in a weird  
direction that my readers have felt. I appreciated every review, all were  
helpful and inspiring. I TRULY appreciate the constructive criticism. ^.^  
Reviews are gold.**


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: **Sorry that this took forever. If you follow my tumblr then you have at least had sneak peaks and whatnot. If you wanna see my tumblr, the details are on my profile.

Here is the chapter, and the next one should come much more quickly, as well as Night Job ch 2. I posted a teaser for Night Job last night or so, I'm almost ready to publish it here. Yay.

**PI: Chapter 6**

The silence on the ride back to the apartment was enough to grate on even my nerves. Naruto's tense posture was enough to tell me that something was seriously wrong. Sakura sat beside him in the back seat, and for some reason Naruto's strange brother, Gaara, was driving.

Every so often I heard Sakura sniff, and a quick glance to the rear view mirror showed her to be crying. Naruto's tan hand wrapped around her small pale one in a comforting measure that I could not give.

I knew that I should feel something about that. Somewhere I did; somewhere deep down I felt territorial. Somewhere inside I wanted to at least place my hand on her shoulder in comfort. Yet my apathy for the things around me had returned. I felt like an alien. Like everything around me had lost its depth and purpose. Already I was longing for the lull of the past few days, yearning for the pills.

Anything that wasn't this.

We pulled through the college complex, and parked up near the dorm apartments. Sakura hadn't said a word to me yet, and it was unusual. In the time we had been together I couldn't recall a single time that she had been so silent in my presence. She was still desperately clinging to Naruto's hand. I shouldn't have felt it, but there was a pang of hurt watching her cling to him, rather than me.

I knew that I didn't want to be with her anymore, but that didn't stop that little bit of hurt. That little bit of jealousy and insecurity. I had been replaced more quickly than I would have thought possible.

-0-0-0-0-0-

We marched up the stair cases at a steady pace, our thrum of steps muffled by the soft carpet. Gaara led the way through the maze of people, some of whom didn't bother to hide their stares while others openly pointed at Sasuke.

I chanced a few glances back at the Teme only to find that he was unfazed as ever.

His eyes were distant and cold. Not much of a challenge left in them it seemed.

I pulled my attention away as I felt Sakura tremble. Between the two of us there was enough guilt and anxiety to cloud out all other thought, so the silence continued all the way through the apartment door.

Once inside I could feel fear creep up my throat like a bile, choking me. Mutely I gestured for him and Sakura to sit, I was far too anxious to do anything other than stand and fidget. She sat, while Sasuke simply opened the sliding door and began to smoke a cigarette. It seemed to calm him, because he relaxed into the door frame and looked to Sakura and myself; Gaara had settled into a chair with his textbook apparently uninterested.

The silence stretched between the three of us like an old rubber band. It was bound to snap soon and we all seemed braced for the recoil. I could feel my heart racing, how should I begin to tell him? Would he hate me? Of course. I sighed aloud, "Sasuke.." I began.

"No. I'll tell him", Sakura cut in. She clenched her fists and sat up straighter. "Sasuke, I'm pregnant." She paused, allowing us a moment to gauge his reaction. He stared at her for a moment before face relaxed, his mouth slightly agape. His eyes were wide and almost disbelieving. After a few moments pause, "You're pregnant.." His tone was light, soft—fragile. "With my child?" He said is as though convincing himself, as though he was only asking the question out of a need to hear the 'yes' he expected. "I don't know." She responded, her voice was thick and forlorn, tears already streaming down her face. "You don't" he began softly, not realizing what he was saying at first, "—You don't _know?_" His voice changed abruptly, venom laced into a guttural growl. "_How_ do you not _**know,**_ Sakura!" His hand clenched around the sliding door, as if restraining himself. Sakura simply buried her face in her hands, as her sobs quietly shook her. I felt myself step forward, as if to protect her. His eyes snapped to me and a look of realization spread over his face, a barely contained anger burned beneath the surface. "It was an accident!" I proclaimed, stepping forward, wanting to salvage this, to stress to him the idiocy of what we had done and how it would never EVER come to be again. "HA!" His shrill bark of laughter was so uncharacteristic that I paused, slightly alarmed. "What? You tripped and your dick fell in?" he laughed again, it seemed to border on hysteria. Gaara had now put his book down and had an arm around sakura, talking to her softly. This was getting out of control fast. "Look Sasuke, I'm-"I began.

"DON'T!" He shouted, "Don't you DARE tell me you're sorry! Don't you fucking lie to me! Sorry you got caught, maybe. Sorry you had to tell me, probably. Sorry that you may have a child? Sorry that you got to sleep with _her_?" He spat, pointing an accusing finger in her direction, though not breaking eye contact with me. "Never. Don't feed me that shit." I felt my voice catch in my throat. He was so angry. I felt myself starting to get angry in return. It wasn't supposed to be like this, I don't know what it was supposed to be. "You know what? FINE!" I yelled, anger was easier than guilt. "I'm glad I slept with her! I slept with her and cared for her more in that one _accidental _night, than you did throughout your entire relationship! I'm sorry that you are such an ASSHOLE, I'm sorry that-". I didn't get to continue to tell him what I was sorry about because at that moment a very solid fist connected with my jaw. "Just SHUT UP!" He yelled, standing before me, shaking in rage. "I trusted you, I trusted both of you, you fucking piece of shit!" He took a deep breath, before looking at Sakura. "You claimed to love me just last week . To MY FUCKING FACE, you proclaimed that love to me, despite anything I said in protest. AND THIS! THIS! " He hissed pointing at myself, "IS HOW YOU SHOW ME! You go and fuck the only friend I've got, and GET PREGNANT! How many other people have you slept with? How many other _LIES_ have you told me?"

"SASUKE!" I shouted, making a hasty effort to stand. "You told me you cared Naruto." He spoke softly. The anger in his eyes gone for the moment as he gazed disgustedly at me. "You told me you cared about me. In what SICK way was sleeping with my girlfriend a way to care for me. Filthy fucking liars." He closed his eyes as her turned and walked into his bedroom, slamming the door behind him.

I didn't even bother to follow him. How could I? There was nothing I could say to him right now, and punching him the way I wanted to wouldn't solve a thing.

"That wasn't so bad." Came Gaara's voice. I simply slumped back to lay on the floor. "How, dear brother, was that 'not so bad'?" I asked sarcastically, rubbing a hand across my tender jaw. "He didn't try to kill you." He answered.

"Naruto" sobbed sakura, "what do we do? What if the baby is his?" She sounded close to desperation, agony in her very breath. I sighed and stood, moving to sit on her other side and gently rubbing her back. "He may calm down, He's angry and he's hurt. There's no telling what his mental state has been lately...He'll come around. If the Sasuke we know is still in there, then he will come around."

Even as I said it, it felt like a lie. But I hoped anyway.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-00-0—0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

I could hear the light murmur of conversation on the other side of the door, but I didn't care what they were saying. My blood was boiling. How DARE she.

She claimed to love me.

If she was pregnant, then she had sex with him while she was still claiming to love me. I slammed my fist into the surface of my desk. How could they? Sure, I had planned on leaving her anyway, my feelings for her, if I ever had any, were gone. It was the _lies_ that bothered me. The _betrayal_ of the only people I was still even vaguely considering to care about me. It was too much.

As my thoughts raced I found myself dropping to my knees on the floor, hands clenched in my hair. Anything to bring some form of relief from this anguish. For a moment I believed myself to have a purpose again, a family, then just as I really toyed with that reality it was snatched away.

What if the child were mine?

I allowed myself a moment to ponder the idea. Of course I would remain a constant figure in my own child's life. How could I not? I would not abandon a mother to my child either, no matter how much of a bitch she may be.

Over the course of the next few hours I talked myself down, began to rationalize again. I would support my child. I would. I would not be the absent unloving figure that my own father represented. If the child were mine, I would stand by as a father. Damned be any and all consequences.

I showered and brushed my teeth. Ignored the growl of my stomach and popped the few pills I had left from my pocket. Swallowing them dry I crept to my bedroom door and listened.

The hour was getting late, perhaps they were asleep. Images of them lying in bed together settled into my brain. I swallowed against the rage and disgust I felt at the prospect and stepped into the living room. Just in the distance I could hear an argument of sorts.

Looking towards the source of the disturbance I could see Naruto's shadow falling across his door. "Just sleep here Sakura. I can sleep on the couch." said his calm voice. "This feels weird Naruto, what about Sasuke?" she asked, anxiety creeping into the octaves. "I dunno about Sasuke, but you need rest, and a pregnant woman does not belong on a couch." The sound of bed springs creaking met my ears. I swallowed against the emotion again and grabbed sakura's car keys from the table. Fuck them both. I left silently, intent on forgetting about them for the next few hours.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

I sat in the comfortable arm chair that had been pulled up next to the desk. Already I was almost salivating at the thought of trying this new 'pain' medicine. I had come into his office and told him to give me the strongest thing he had.

A smile had graced his lips as he bade me to sit.

"You know, these kinds of things aren't free." He said it casually, looking at me with an expression I wasn't sure how to read.

"Of course it's not free" I answered, aggravated that he hadn't given it to me yet. He was still holding the syringe and my nerves about being stabbed with the needle weren't vanishing anytime soon. "But seeing as I'm letting you do as you please with my money, I hardly see how that is a problem"I was snapping at him now in my nervousness, not understanding what he was playing at. He smirked at me, leaning forward and setting the syringe back on the desk beside us. "Oh but that is a problem Sasuke. I am looking after your affairs, so it seems you are still indebted to me. Unless, of course," he paused with a wicked smirk on his face, as though he already knew how this would turn out. "I could always let you be, and then the police would see the state of you and take you away for mental treatment. You'd be charged as mentally unstable, and then everything your family ever strove for would be obliterated. Poor little Sasuke, alcoholic, addicted to pain pills...oh my, what would Itachi say? Your Father: would you be proving him wrong or right?"

I felt the blood draining from my face as the words left Orochimaru's mouth. On top of everything else, to hear that, to be reminded, "What do you want?" I spat, pissed that he knew my weakest points. Pissed that he knew what a fuck up I was. "Oh I want a great many things Sasuke-kun." He purred, leaning forward and trapping me in my chair. He casually rubbed a hand across my thigh. I tensed, regretting that I was only wearing pajama pants. Creepy though he tended to be, I had never felt threatened the way I did now. "But first," He pulled back, allowing me to let out a breath I had now realized I was holding. "arm." He finished, gesturing for my arm. I complied, the thought of the drug overpowering any desire to distance myself from him. He wrapped the waiting medical tubing around my arm, took a moment to prepare and then the pain/pleasure of the drug in my veins almost blacked out all thought.

I slouched, sliding down the chair a little in feeling the rush, the missing pieces slid into place. All of a sudden it was all worth it. Life made sense. It was euphoria. "Ngghhn" I moaned aloud, my head falling back. I felt amazing.

"We will talk later about payment." His words drifted to me, as his hand slid through my hair.

I didn't even bother to open my eyes. I was riding on a cloud, too high to care.

-0-0-0-0-0-00-0

**AN: don't forget to review. :] thnks.**


	7. Chapter 7

**AN**: why is it that every time I go back and read what I published, I hate it? Like really?! Ugh. I'm just going to forge ahead and complete this, and then go back to edit things that make NO sense. I apologize for the delay, i don't even want to know how long it's been since I last wrote. P.S. I finally saw my muse in person. 3 3 after, what, 5 years?! haha, lol. It was worth the wait.

**Chapter 7**

Driving high on pills and what I assumed to be heroin probably wasn't such a great idea, but I didn't let a little thing like that stop me.  
I drove blindly tracing old trails, letting the memories they evoked dance through my mind.  
Images of the days when Itachi and I would play together, and the days when Mother and I would go out with a picnic to the local park; I couldn't help but let a fond smile grace my lips.

On impulse I parked at the local park and carefully stumbled from Sakura's car. Although flip-flops and pajama pants were hardly warm enough, or even decent enough to wear to the park in the middle of the night, I didn't care.

What I did while there, I have no memory of.  
My next moment of awareness, I was driving.  
I could barely think clearly enough to remember how to use my steering wheel, yet somehow my body managed to go on autopilot as I drove back to the apartment.

My mind drifted slowly from thought to thought, the space in between thoughts filled with emptiness and light.  
Soon the hum of the car died and I found myself parked in the parking lot aside out of my dorm apartment.

The anguish hit me like a wave, why was I back here? The anger, the hurt, the betrayal; and yet I felt there was really nowhere else to go.  
My breathing hitched and caught in my throat. I leaned my head and hands on the steering wheel and cried sloppily until I drew up strength and control of myself to slide out of the vehicle.  
Stumbling half slouched through the parking lot, I managed to right myself in time to use the side walk. In the distance I could hear snickers and whispers of drunken students making fun of me. 'what a little emo bitch' 'all that money, can you believe him?!' and it only made matters worse.  
I half collapsed coming up the stairs before finally making it through to the apartment. The raucous I must have caused as I half sobbed and half stumbled through to my bedroom caused Naruto to stir. So, in trying to avoid coming into any contact with anyone I slammed the door and locked it behind me, somehow hoping that with that brief show of aggression he will stay away.  
Then, wanting any release from this misery, I simply flopped face first onto the mattress. Fingers wrapped into my own hair crying in silent misery as I felt strands of hair parting ways with my scalp.

Why is there nowhere to go? Why are things suddenly so wrong? Things were so perfect, everything used to fit into neat little lines, and now things were so fucked up!

The high is edging back, I'm coming down already, I can feel it; the awful depression of such euphoria leaving my system coupled with my already increased feelings of misery.

I chance a glance at the clock, it's only an hour or two until dawn, where did the time go? I can't do this! I don't want to do this! What am I supposed to do with _time?_ I just want to forget, I don't want to feel, I don't want to be. What's the point, really?

_Baby.  
_  
The word whispers, unbidden into my mind.

_Baby.  
_  
I _might_ have a baby... I would be able to find out in a few months. What if the child is mine?

A bright image of a family almost chases the shadows away, but I still see Sakura's traitorous face.  
I can't hate her, but I can't bring myself anywhere near forgiveness.  
What she did, I wouldn't do to my worst enemy.

I'm biting back tears again, Uchiha's aren't supposed to cry. I'm not supposed to be like this. I groan, sitting up, feeling worse than I have ever felt as the drug ebbs its way out of my nervous system. How do I sleep? How do I do anything?  
Feeling as though I might be sick, I make my way into the bathroom.

-0-0-0-0-0-0—0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

I groan, not entirely sure why I am waking. Turning my head towards the kitchen I can see Sasuke.  
He's stumbling like he's drunk and I can see a shiny wetness to his face as he passes through the scant light filtering through the vertical blinds.  
Before I can really process that image, he slams his door deafeningly loud.  
The message is clear, "fuck off".

I don't even want to see the time, so I avert my eyes from the too bright green LCD numbers on the microwave and pad quickly to my bedroom, hoping that Sakura hasn't been awakened.  
I can see her outline in my bed, still breathing deeply apparently fast asleep.  
With a sigh of relief I turn back towards Sasuke's room and quietly as I can, ankles popping in the silence, make my way back over to his door.  
I pause, leaning cautiously against it, hoping to hear a sound. For a short while I hear nothing, and begin to assume that he has passed out, but a sound of running water breaks the silence.

I sigh, sliding down the wall into a sitting position, reminded of finding him in his shower after what seemed like forever of him being almost comatose. How do I fix this? I almost feel like sobbing, the whole situation is a cluster fuck.  
Unsteadily, I stand again, knocking softly on his door.

I rest my forehead on it, knowing that he won't answer, but still kind of blindly hoping.

_"dammit! i'm so sorry"_ I whisper into the darkness, tears threatening to spill as the whole situation just overwhelms me.

With an almighty sigh, I creep back to my bedroom to take my medicine and get ready for the day. I won't be able to sleep anymore, that much is for sure.

-00-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

I stared in stupefied silence at my phone, before delicately setting it down on the coffee table as though it were from some other world; "what the hell?" I murmured, laying back into the soft sofa. Sakura was leaving, she had transferred to a community college near her parents and was moving back home.

Eight **_hours_** away.

I knew the past two weeks had been rough, and I hadn't seen her much because of her work schedule & There was always an awkward feeling of guilt in the air, only made worse by Sasuke's ominous presence behind his door, or by his absence. He had more or less stopped going to class, so we never had a clue what he was up to, or if he would ever come back; but still, I hadn't expected this. I don't really know what I expected, maybe my endless sense of optimism had me believing that it would all work itself out. It seemed that was not the case.

Her voice still played through my mind from moments ago: "this is all too much Naruto." she explained, her voice shaking "I've screwed up, I slept with **you**!" she exclaimed, making me feel lower that usual.  
"Sasuke hates me, and I'm certainly not helping whatever he is going through. My whole future is a complete cluster-fuck now!" She paused, taking a breath. My grip on the phone tightened, I didn't like the way this was sounding. Her voice seemed raw, whether in anger or sadness I wasn't sure.  
"I just need time to, I dunno, find myself again. I'm going to be a mom,... so I just need to be prepared for a whole other future...I'm going home to my parents for a while.. going to do my best to finish school from there." she trailed off; her voice was calmer, quiet. " But Sakura! the baby!"I all but exploded, terrified of the idea of her being gone too. "you can't just run off! that could be my child, you'll be so far! You can't just-!"I was panicking. I couldn't keep the hurt out of my voice" I'm pregnant Naruto, but that doesn't make me yours or anyone elses! This could be your child, and it could not! Could be Sasuke's, not that he cares! he won't even answer his fucking phone! I wanted to let him know what's going on, just so he knows that, I dunno, I care? that I still want him to feel connected? whatever. it's done, and I'm already on the road." "y-you!" I stuttered, unable to form a sentence around the hurt and confusion I felt. "I'm sorry Naruto, but I can't do this. I know it's messed up, but I just can't play this game of being in the middle. I love Sasuke, but he's not my Sasuke anymore; & I've never felt anything more than friendship with you. I'm just going to prepare for life as a _single_ mother. I'll let you know when it's time for a paternity test though."

and that was that. She ended the phone call rather quickly after that.

I slept with the girl of my dreams, felt like a fool, got her pregnant (_maybe_), completely ruined my friendship with my roommate at the worst possible time, then the possible mother of my child runs off and doesn't even really care how I feel about it.  
" what the hell?" I murmered again, half sobbing in sadness, anger and frustration.

I could feel that stupid irrational anger and frustration welling up beyond it's normal bounds.  
I forced myself to stand and go to my room, I needed my Meds.

Unfortunately, I reached my room only to find an empty bottle, because I had taken the last two last night and had forgotten to tell Gaara.

"fuck" I groaned, already feeling the anxiety bearing down in my chest. An episode was immanent, and I had nothing to help me cope. Now my anxiety was really kicking up thinking about not having medicine, and as a result my temper was escalating.

The best way I have ever been able to describe my condition is that it's like going into that 'fight or flight' mode, and I am absolutely stuck on fight. whereas most people have 'panic attacks' where their heart races and they sweat and feel the need to 'go! get away!' I get an adrenaline surge and feel the need to break things, fight people, and if it's really bad, then I take it out on myself. ( _hello facial scars_ )

I briefly contemplate calling Gaara, but I can't quite tell if this will be a bad one.  
I grip the lip of the sink, feeling like my eyes must be red as the urge to just fuck. shit. up. clouds my judgement.  
My hands are shaking with adrenaline and my heart is pounding in my chest.  
I look up just briefly enough to see my contorted face in the mirror, and instantly I just**_ hate_** me and I send my fist crashing into the glass.  
Glass bounces everywhere, glittery sparkling shrapnel digging into bleeding knuckles. I grind my hand in a little further, loving that I'm hurting me, because I know that I'm just a fucked up little piece of shit.

My parents were right about me.

I'm useless and fucked in the head; With a grunt of angered pain, I grab a piece of glass that has crashed to the sink and simply hack at my arm. The pain feeds my adrenaline, which feeds my weird irrational anger and hate.

It's a vicious cycle, and there are no logical thoughts in my head telling me this is a bad idea at first. It's just a consuming need as I dig at myself, then hurl the glass to the floor. I knock all the objects from my sink, scattering more glass in all directions. I push myself backwards and slide to the floor, gripping my hands into my hair trying to get back to my senses as that feeling of rationality tries to interfere. I slam my head into the door behind me, hearing a faint crunching of wood and drywall. It takes some time, but eventually I come back to myself, feeling like an absolute fool.

My arms hurt, my hands hurt, my head hurts, my feet are stinging. There is blood everywhere as my arms continue to steadily drip.  
I know I need to clean myself up and call Gaara, but a quick look around the demolition zone that is my bathroom discourages me, and I know I'd probably injure myself trying to clean myself up in here, so the kitchen it will have to be.

It's been years since I've had an anxiety attack of that magnitude. Looking at my arms a little closer, it looks like they will probably scar as well. "fuuuuck" I groan, standing up and taking deep calming breaths, trying to dispel the fear that I'll have another anxiety attack.

Cradling my arms against my chest I quietly head to the kitchen, hoping for the first time in weeks, that Sasuke isn't here.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

I spent two weeks fighting with reality, two weeks traveling back and forth between the apartment and orochimaru. Neither place felt like mine, neither place offered me any real comforts.  
I was growing concerned with the 'payment' Orochimaru kept alluding to, I was almost certain that it was going to be incredibly unpleasant, though when need struck me the idea didn't bother me as much as it should have.

It was just such a need filled morning, that I awoke in cold trembling sweat, my mind ravaged by mental and physical pain and fighting that awful need to puke that I planned to make another drive to my family's home.

The weeks had been hard, I had dabbled between the pills and the needle, avoiding both Naruto and Sakura. It seemed as though neither one cared so long as I was in the apartment, although I hadn't seen Sakura in well over a week you could still almost cut the tension in the apartment with a knife.

I tried to shower, trying to ease my trembling. It didn't do any good, if anything the need only got worse.  
So I gave up on the idea & quickly slipped on a faded pair of jeans a t shirt, when I realized that the ugly bruising on the crook of my arm would be easily noticeable, so I slid on my hoodie as well, followed by beanie so I wouldn't have to bother with my hair.

I looked at myself in the mirror for a moment, noticing the differences. At one time the idea of wearing clothes like this to go to my former home would have been near blasphemous. Nor would I have ever simply tucked my shower dampened hair up under a hat to avoid the chore of drying and styling it.  
I tore myself from my reminiscent thoughts and headed towards my door. This is where I had to pause.

I stood by my door for a minute, just taking slow, deep breaths to prepare myself. I didn't want Naruto to pay me any attention, and for that to work, I had to appear normal.  
I took one last calming, bracing breath, and left my room.

I was slightly taken off guard by the fact that Naruto was not on the couch as he tended to be at this time, either studying or playing a game with Kiba.

Instead I looked up to see him walking into the kitchen looking like he had been in a bomb blast.

My own self took a back seat for moment, as concern for my once friend caused me to temporarily forget my own needs and my anger,  
"Dobe! Are you okay?!" I called in concern, meeting him in front of the sink and catching my first glimpse of his hands and arms.

What I saw shocked me; his right hand looked like mincemeat and it seemed as if there were small pieces of glass sticking to his flesh.  
There were also long bleeding slashes on both arms, his chest was splattered as well as his face. And there was blood in his hair sticking it together in small rust colored clumps. " I didn't know you were home" he said, his words were breathy and exhausted, and there was a fine sheen of sweat on his brow. "I was just heading out," I said thumbing toasted the door. "what the hell happened?" I asked as I turned on the water in the sink and pulled him to it, already grabbing a paper towel to dab at his wounds.

Looking at his arms, however, I didn't really need him to answer the question. The way the cuts were done, it was painfully obvious. "why...?" I asked, trailing off as he took the paper towel from my trembling hand and cleaning himself.  
I wasn't really sure whether he would answer or not, as we hadn't been on the best of terms lately, so I was slightly surprised when he answered me. "Sakura called me, she moved back home. Eight hours away" He said with dead eyes. "I fucked up. With her, with you. everything. I had an 'anxiety attack'" he said the words 'anxiety attack' like some quack had made up the term. I eyed the cuts on his arm again,_ anxiety?_ I had no idea that the Dobe had any such problems, he always seemed to care-free.  
I reached over and grabbed a couple of fresh paper towels, handing them to him.

Sakura had moved? I grew a little colder inside at the thought. It seemed my one lifeline of hope had driven away.

"are you okay now?" I asked, mostly in concern, but also because the need to escape was great and my head was pounding from the withdrawal. He took a moment before he nodded, "I'll call Gaara in a minute." He elaborated, but his voice was low an empty sounding. It sounded painfully like regret.  
"Okay then...I'm heading out" I said, almost feeling bad for leaving him, but that fresh sting of hurt helped me push the guilt away. "okay." he said.  
"...Sasuke?" he called as I reached the door. "yea?" I asked as I began to step out, " I really am sorry" he stated softly, almost as if saying it was reopening wounds.  
" I know" I found myself replying as I shut the door.

The drive to Orochimaru seemed to take too long. It gave me too much time to think, and the image of Naruto cutting himself and apologizing, the idea of Sakura having just left with a child possibly mine tucked away in her belly, coupled with the death of my family, I couldn't escape.

I pulled into the driveway trembling from head to toe and practically raced up the driveway and into the house. "My my Sauske, aren't we in a hurry today?" Orochimaru drawled, having just exited the kitchen with a cup of coffee in his hand. He seemed to be planning on staying inside today, as he was dressed simply in low riding designer jeans and a plain white v-neck t-shirt.

"I need more." I responded, not even bothering to say hello "I need enough to actually last me" I clarified, shoving my hand in my pockets as if to hide my weakness from him.

Orochimaru smirked in a knowing way, " of course, Sasuke, of course" he said, turning to lead me up the stairs, his bare feet making soft sounds against the carpet.  
However, instead of leading me to the office as he usually did, he was leading me to his bedroom.  
I followed him silently, fighting the urge to ask him why he was leading me there and trying to dispel the warning bells going off in my head.  
There must have been some trepidation in my expression, because when he bade me entry first he let loose a small chuckle. "You said you wanted extra, right?" he paused, closing the door behind us and setting his coffee down. "Well, I keep it here and you're here awfully early today... I hadn't even had a chance to get the needles out yet" He laughed softly again, as if at his own private joke.  
Just his words,just hearing him say 'needle' made my insides cramp like a vice.  
It was an all encompassing need now, and I fidgeted restlessly before he bade me sit on the edge of his bed.  
I watched as he got out the small tube of dirty colored crystals and the fresh needle. I could feel my mouth go dry as I watched him go about getting the needle ready and loaded. I stripped my hoodie off in impatience, and dug my fingers into the edge of the mattress in an attempt to stop the trembling.

I watched in momentary confusion as he simply capped the needle and set it atop the nightstand next to me. I could feel my heart beat accelerate in anticipation. '_oh come on, hurry up, what are you waiting for?'_ was my one thought as he leisurely came and sat beside me, tubing in hand. "Now Sasuke-kun," He began, looking at me as if I were a child asking for an extra slice of cake."I believe I have been very generous up until now, I've been supportive of your habit and kept your secrets." He paused, leering at me, causing a brief spike of fear in my gut, "I think it's time you returned some favors." he paused, seemingly gauging my reaction. By this point, my mind was racing but I was so consumed in need, I was ready to agree to anything. "What do you want?" I bit out, feeling myself starting to sweat, my heart racing it's accelerated thrum against my slightly emaciated form. I didn't know how much longer I could continue to have a conversation while having the loaded needle sitting a mere six inches away from my aching, trembling,_** needing**_ veins.

"I want a great many things Sauske-kun, but for today I'll take my own pleasure, in exchange for yours" I grit my teeth not liking where this was going. "what?" I asked, anger seeping up with my impatience. "suck me off Sasuke." he said, looking at me imperiously. "oh hell no, fuck no!" I exploded, standing and heading for the door. My body was screaming in protest, and I almost felt like weeping in need, but there was just no fucking way- "Where will you go Sasuke?" he called, a tone of mocking in his voice. "This is just _one_ day, how will tomorrow be? How badly wile you _need_ it? What will you do then, what might you be willing to do?" He paused letting the implications sink in. "If you leave now, I can't guarantee that the price will be so_ low_ tomorrow."

I froze.  
This was his _low_ price?  
My brain was a standstill, all out panic. "Sasuke-" he called, and fighting myself I turned and looked: there on the table he had set enough to last me a week. I wouldnt' have to see him again for a week! Surely I could find someone else to sell to me in that time, right?  
Just this once.. I would.._pay.._him.  
How could I not? There was no escaping my thoughts without this, there was no escaping this aching need without this, and there was no real way I could walk out of this room with that amount up for grabs: this was the only answer.

I swallowed my pride and glared at him as I turned back around.  
I hated him, I hated myself. I hated what I was doing, and I hated how he had done this to me.

I stood in front of him, trembling and nauseated; wishing him a thousand deaths. "Get on your knees, Sasuke" He commanded as he stood before me and slowly unbuttoned his pants.

I had never felt so low as when I complied, simply dropping to my knees, and I absently wondered what Naruto would think of me if he knew what I was doing.

I didn't have any thoughts to spare after that, as Orochimaru pulled his disgusting half hard cock from within his pants and began to stroke himself, "Open your mouth Sasuke" he commanded. I obeyed, wishing this were already over as he ran himself across my tongue, using my saliva as a lube to stroke himself to full arousal.  
I clenched my hands on the hem of my shirt, shuttting my eyes in hopes of escape. "Ah-ah little Sasuke-kun," He immediately admonished, making me sick as he spoke to me like a child, "Keep your eyes open." I felt my stomach roll uneasily as I did as I was told. He grinned then, looking right into my eyes as he held himself in front of my face with one hand placing the other in my hair, knocking off my beanie in the process., and with a sick grin on his face he used that leverage to pull my reluctant mouth over his cock.  
I fought the urge to gag as he slid into my mouth letting loose a loud satisfied moan before moving his other hand into my hair as well.  
He used his hands for a moment to work my head into a steady rhythm before relenting his pressure on my head, simply leaving his hands resting in my hair and making me do the work.  
His eyes never left mine.  
I glared back, refusing to back down.  
"Suck Sasuke" he instructed, his eyes alight with lust and what I could only assume was his love for the power he had over me; When I didn't immediately comply his grip in my hair became painful, and he roughly thrust all the way down my throat causing me to cough and gag, my eyes closing for a moment in reflex, my jaw practically dislocating. I sucked as I was told after that, and resumed my glare into his glazed eyes. The room was full of the sound of wet sucking and his disgusting moans for a few minutes until my jaw was aching from having my mouth open life this for so long, and my own saliva was working its way down my chin.  
"oh yea, mmmmm, Sasuke," he breathed as he began to take control again, using my hair as his leverage once more and causing me to topple forward, catching myself on his hips. He rammed ruthlessly then hitting my gag reflex. I closed my eyes and could feel myself throwing up but his cock was too far down my throat for it to go anywhere but back down.  
The feeling was suffocating, I was fighting for timing to breathe when he suddenly stopped his frenzied thrusts, still holding my hair painfully tight so that his cock was buried in my throat as he came. I coughed around him and gagged for the umpteenth time, trying to push him away from me as he semen coated my throat; then his hold slackened and I jerked back, falling to the floor and doing my best to breathe, cough, and not throw up all at the same time. I hacked up some of his cum and dry heaved for a moment, in absolute disbelief that I had just done that.

Meanwhile Orochimaru had zipped up his pants again with a satisfied lazy kind of smile and grabbed the needle he had promised me. He didn't have to say a word, I simply sat up and held out my arm expectantly, using my other arm to wipe the spit and filth from my lips.

I wanted to snarl at him to wipe that smug grin from his lips while he was tying the tubing around my arm, but when I felt the needle pierce my arm that warm rush of oblivion made everything worth it. As a matter of fact, this feeling was worth just about anything.

My disgust with myself was gone in an instant as the sweet warm oblivion rushed through me, drowning me in pleasure. I could tell the dosage was more than usual; a reward? In my moment of calm bliss, I fell back into Orochimaru's carpet. It felt as if the comfort of that floor would swallow me whole, but I knew I needed to go. I remembered the repulsion I had felt moments ago, (or had it been hours?) Why had I been so ill? It wasn't that bad, I felt great now!  
I sat up, finding myself alone in the room, and was almost sad that I couldn't tell Orochimaru how wonderful this was. Though a small voice in the back of my mind whispered that it was a good thing that he was gone.  
I grabbed the little baggies and provided needles, noticing that the needle and tube were gone from my arm (when had they been removed?)  
I walked down that stairs, half stumbling as my mind drifted in a fog.  
I climbed into my car and drove back to the apartment, feeling as though all was right with the world.  
My body felt heavy, my eyelids felt relaxed and ready to rest. I knew I'd be nodding out again soon.

I looked back on the whole adventure home as a miracle. I wasn't entirely sure how I made it back in one piece, as the whole drive home was a fuzzy blank, but I went through the front door intent on nothing more than my bed and the additional comfort it could offer me, but I was sidetracked as I opened the door and almost ran into Gaara.  
Actually, I may_ have_ run into Gaara, because his hands were gripping my shoulders as though I had.  
I simply grinned and apologized, noticing that the needles and tube of dirty colored rocks were still in my hand. Oops.  
I stepped back from his grasp and maneuvered around him, almost giggling, and went into my room.

Had I been sober, I would have noticed a few things.  
First, I had left without my hoodie, leaving my bruised arms exposed, not to mention the drugs in my hand.  
Second, I looked like shit, my hair still messed up from the combination of drying in a beanie & having Orochimaru's hands in it;  
and third, and possibly the most glaringly obvious oddity:  
Gaara hadn't said a single scathing remark when I more or less fell against him in the doorway.  
As a matter of fact, his shocked and worried expression had followed me as I stumbled into my room and closed the door

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

**AN:** Hope that was worth the wait? Maybe? I dunno. lol. I don't even know if this flows well with the rest of the story, and if I made any glaring mistakes, please let me know. I kinda' lost touch with what I was doing, and I can't find the file that had the whole thing mapped out.

As always, please review, so I know where I stand with it. :] I'm still new to publishing FF's and My writing has gotten a little rusty in the past year. I just haven't had _time._

_O.O why is that so big? All I did was hit 'italicise'...wtf? lol_


End file.
